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Tag Archives: College
Bigger Hoard+Fewer Knights=Gender Studies!
Roses are red and violets are blue
And people say dragons aren’t real
But I think the dragons, between me and you,
Ran out of princesses to steal
And so turned to work outside their tradition
Like enrolling the maidens in college
Where they charge a fortune for the latest edition
Of textbooks for more useless knowledge.
Filed under Poems
Philosophy 101
Whatever you’ve heard, forget it!
Whatever you know, you don’t.
Everyone thinks they are brainy
But most of their brains grown’t.
Ignorance is epidemic.
No knowledge or sense can be common.
Now pay your tuition and fill out this form
And go back to your dorm and eat ramen.
Filed under Poems
Thus, Sportsball and Gender Studies Scholarships
Super smart students
Have to pay tons of cash
To take college classes
That mostly are trash.
Super good athletes
Can study for free
And despite low grades get
The exact same degree.
The reason for this
Is confusing to some,
And I’m here to explain
Why it isn’t that dumb…
The purpose of college
I will hereby state:
“To see how much BS
“One can tolerate.”
Filed under Poems
Fairy Yales
Once upon a time
There was a tiny little rock
Who was the world’s preeminent scholar
On the early works of Bach.
The little rock was erudite
Yet its career went South
On account of probably white people
And, also, its lack of mouth.
——————————————————–
Once upon a time
A woman majored in STEM
And made millions teaching women
The ways that men were bad to them.
She could have been an engineer
And done science and stuff
But instead she told the patriarchs
She wasn’t paid enough.
Filed under Poems
Capitalism In Action
People are saying college is expensive,
That $100,000 in debt isn’t fine.
I worked hard to get a scholarship
And only owe $99,999.99
Filed under Poems
Super-Villains: The College Years
If I owned an evaporation ray
That could turn humans to ash
I think it would help motivate
My roommates to take out the trash.
——————————————————–
I had to write an essay
About why I deserve financial aid.
I wrote about the 10,000 horsepower
Machine gun-slash-jetpack I made.
They said “Thanks for your application
“But, alas, this year we can’t…”
And at that point I spotted an unlikely hero
And proceeded to kidnap their aunt.
——————————————————–
Well sure, I’m a villain I guess.
I act violently when under stress
And if I kill someone
And it’s not in good fun
I consider the day a success!
——————————————————–
I was failing Econ 101
So I put on my lowest-cut blouse
Snuck into my professor’s office
And sat on the pad for his mouse.
He came in and I said, “Professor
“I’ll do anything to get an A.”
Little did I know my professor
Had an evaporation ray…
Filed under Poems
College
I am a man who likes the curves
On my preferred Madames,
But better still is having curves
On my final exams.
Filed under Poems
Why You Shouldn’t Be An English Major
Bucolic was the morning mist
On fields outside of Boise.
The adults sipped their hot caffein
And the children weren’t noisy.
Within one comely bungalow
A dalliance effloresced.
You probably don’t know what that means
And perhaps it’s for the best.
I bring up this erstwhile dalliance
Between man and ingénou
With intentional insouciance
To show I’m smarter than you.
The denouement of this poem,
Evanescent as it is,
Shows evidence of the inurement
I’ve derived from colleges.
Filed under Poems
College Life (AKA the Sin Inn)
When you give a kid a scholarship
To live away from home
Where kids are doing naughty stuff
The “scholar” says “when in Rome!”
And thus begins the dorm life,
Debauchery, and boozing,
Where pipes are not for water
And beds are not for snoozing,
Where you can study english,
Philosophy, or anthropology
But still spend evenings studying
The opposite sex’s biology.
Mom and Daddy pay for this,
So you can unguiltily be bad
And get a job at Wendy’s
While not getting shot by Wendy’s Dad.
All this pleasure comes to you
For only a few hundred K of loans,
So send your applications now!
(That or just play on your phones).
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 