I could park my truck
And walk up to the house
And place a package on the door
Or hand it to a spouse.
I also have the option
To relive my high school ways
And chuck a 40-yard touchdown
With whatever peasants buy these days…
Tag Archives: Cynical
Kids These Days…
My parents were trees;
I’m a cone that you step on
To make crackle sounds.
Filed under Poems
Dream Jobs
The zookeeper likes animals
But ends up shoveling poo.
The librarian likes books
But tells the homeless people “shoo”.
The teacher wants to help kids
But the principal says no.
The customer service rep
Ran out of dreams three shifts ago.
Meanwhile, in my living room
I turn my camera off on Zoom
And watch Youtube while bosses talk
Of how to raise the price of stock.
Filed under Poems
High School Science, 2025
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
Explain in 500 words
Why you should chop off your penis.
Filed under Poems
No Fire Breath Required
Soon the dragons will come returning
And watch our nations burn and fall
And say, “My goodness, look at them go!
“Guess they didn’t need us after all.”
Filed under Poems
When Counting Your Blessings Doesn’t Work, Try Counting Your Absences
Everyone in the world
Should get a chihuahua
From the government, totally free
Because when they all die
We’ll all understand
How much better life is when dog-free.
Filed under Poems
Video Killed The Radio Star, But Older (Enhanced Interrogation Edition)
I feel sorry for the guy
Who invented the torture rack,
The iron maiden, the eyeball-scooper thing,
And other tools to make folks crack
Because all of his inventions
Were obsolete in 1723
When Pierre Fauchard came to town
And invented dentistry.
Filed under Poems
How To Reduce Noise Pollution And Increase The Average IQ In America In One Morally-Grey Step
So folks are setting off fireworks
On the night of July 3rd
And at first, I’ll admit I was tempted
To flip such folks the bird.
In the spirit of peace and happiness
I instead propose humbly
To instead give them drugs and fireworks
In massive quantities.
Sure, this year the death toll
May be massive, but I say
It’s a way to purge the people
Who can’t wait just one more day.
Filed under Poems
Where Do The Colonists Sign Up?
So when you die the tax man comes
To take of your estate
While you pay tax on a hospital bill,
Pine box, and granite slate,
Then wear taxed clothes to the funeral.
You’ll arrive in taxed-gas powered cars
Which is why I will die as an astronaut:
‘Cause there’s no taxes yet on Mars.
Filed under Poems
Diamonds Are Forever… Like Taxes
“Nothing gold can stay“
Is another way to say
If you’re male and not gay
You’re gonna have to pay.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 