I played scrabble
With my chihuahua.
I played “encumbrance”
Then took a shower,
Hiked twenty miles,
Went to work, went to bed,
Then came back to find
My chihuahua had fled.
It hadn’t played letters,
And my face grew a grin.
I may’ve lost my dog
But still an overall win.
Filed under Poems
Dogs are lovely.
Cats are not.
I guess It’s inappropriate
To call either of them “hot.”
Filed under Poems
I remember my dog
That I had as a lad.
We’d go to the water
And I’d swim with him.
I named him Covallion
Cause I thought it sounded hot.
Turns out he was a girl
So he/she became FeFe.
Cov/Fefe and I
Would eat cake by the lake.
Probably wasn’t healthy for her
But she’d still eat. It was neat!
Then Cov/Fefe died.
How she ate… It was fate.
This poem’s depressing,
But so’s the meme, it would seem.
Filed under Poems
Tasty chunka meat
Sizzlin’ nicely on the stove.
Who’s “master” now, Bitch?
Filed under Poems
Soft doggy, warm doggy,
You I do implore:
Happy doggy, sleepy doggy,
Please don’t poop at midnight right outside my bedroom door.
Again.
Filed under Poems
See spot run.
Spot runs fast
Because if Spot
Comes in last
Spot will lose
His family’s approval
Which will lead, in relation
To his house, his removal.
Spot enjoys
Not living on the street
So Spot runs fast.
Of foot, he is fleet.
Spot comes in second
Which Jane thinks is slick.
Alas, Spot’s owner
Is a Dick.
Filed under Poems
I saw on my lawn, between the mounds
Of wood chips, a dog of 15 pounds.
It was white and fluffy and ugly as sin
And it was having its way with my newspaper bin.
So I snuck over and scooped him up.
Oh, you should have heard that pup!
He barked and wailed and growled and bit.
I knew no way to calm the…git
And so I took it to the pound
To hope the monster would be found.
The police met me at the door.
As I was cuffed, I asked “what for?”
I was arrested for my labors
For my lawn has no wood chips: ‘Twas my neighbor’s.
Filed under Poems
The shape of Mount Everest,
And nearly the size
My dog’s defecation
On my neighbor’s lawn lies.
The shape of an axe
(Because that’s what it is),
My neighbor reminds me
To keep off what’s his.
The shape of a puppy
And the acent of a fart,
My dog watches this thinking
“They just don’t get my art.”
Hear ye, neighbors!
The herald of the morning
And a singer through the night
Has arrived this day!
He weighs four pounds
Of pure vocal chords
And hatred for humanity.
Next time think twice
About blocking my driveway.
Filed under Poems
When a dog is very, very bad…
Beyond the “cone of shame,”
…They travel to an island
Where everything smells the same.
Squirrels and deer and rabbits
Run freely on the grasses
While dogs are put in kennels
And can’t sniff each others’ asses.
Every night they take a bath
And get their toenails groomed.
Some dogs end up someone’s bitch.
Some dogs end up perfumed.
They serve a 12-month sentence
That feels like seven years.
Some dogs come in, well… intact,
But they come out as steers.
So don’t be a bad doggie
All covered in piercings and tats,
‘Cause what I forgot to mention is
The place is run by cats!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 