‘Twas Saturday I met up
With a warrior and a monk
To journey forth to Elvenkeep
To slay a dragon-skunk.
That’s when I discovered
That rogues are, apparently, lame,
And for a moment I wondered:
Why do people play this game?
Tag Archives: Humor
The Acorn
A unicorn has one horn.
A bicorn has two.
A polycorn has many horns
That can stick into you.
So a unicorn with no horn
Is an acorn, I suppose.
If you didn’t believe in magic,
Well, I guess now you knows.
Du’ck! An Acrostic Poem
Did you see it coming
Up above your head?
‘Cause if you didn’t, you’re probably
Kinda going to be a bit dead.
!
P.S. My new book is being released just in time for the 4th of July. Until June 26th (this Thursday), you have a chance to get a free copy! Check out the “coming soon” tab for more info.
P.P.S.
Sorry can’t explain my apol…
Ogetic attitude
Right now
Regarding today’s poem.
Yep, that’s about it.
Filed under Poems
Meet Unemployed Singles Today!
I quit my job at Burger Giant
And now I’m beating down the door
Of Indeed, Monster, and Jobs.com,
Along with several more.
Then something in me realized
That this process I was hating
Could learn a valuable lesson
From the world of online dating.
I would happily seek employment
On MatchMySkills.com,
Or how ’bout J-Job, FatGuysWork,
Or EmployMySingleMom?
If you want to outsource labor
There’s always AsianJobs to try,
For part time jobs: It’s Just ‘Til Lunch.
For waiting tables: Grown Men Don’t Fry.
I understand that on these
The industry won’t pounce,
But as Grandma always said
It’s the thought that counts.
Filed under Poems
Sweet Tea
I met a girl the other day.
She was such a teas.
I was lost in the swing of her rose hips
And the bend of her chai knees.
She was sweet as a strawberry zinger.
Her hair was as black as Earl Grey.
She raised one lump or two in my heart
And she steeped in my thoughts all day.
And tonight I will drink in her presence
And maybe protect her from thieves.
If all goes well, we’ll have English Breakfast.
I read it in the leaves.
Filed under Poems
Learning To Bee Yourself
They’re coming at seven
And this place is a mess.
There are larvae all over the walls.
We’ve not enough pollen
To feed all our guests,
And the queen is asking for my balls.
The workers are striking.
The drones are conversing.
The soldiers are sewing on stripes.
I’ve just about had it
With this dinner party
And all of my coworkers’ gripes.
Thus said the hornet
Who dared to be different.
‘Twas his nature. He didn’t know why.
Later that day
After leaving the nest
He learned that he’d been born a fly.
Filed under Poems
Midlife Hammering
If I had a hammer
I’d hammer in the morning.
I’d hammer in the evening
All over this land.
I’d hammer for weeks
Until one week, without warning
I’d realize that my hammer
Was getting quite bland.
Then I’d sell my hammer
And buy a Mazerati.
I’d stay up in the evening
And buff it by hand.
I’d drive it to the movies
Until it got a door ding.
Then I’d sell it for a smart car
And maybe start a garage band.
Filed under Poems
Sermon On The Scale
Blessed are the cheesemakers
Who turn milk into gold
By putting it in barrels
‘Til it’s really, really old
(And occasionally covered in mold).
Blessed are the coffee roasters
Who make heaven out of beans.
They harvest the energy of life
Among the coffee greens.
(To top it off, their uniform is partially blue jeans).
Blessed are the chocolatiers
Who shape, box, and decant.
For them my praise has no end,
And neither does my rant.
(Their uniform also includes a form of denim pant).
Blessed are the ice cream men,
And ice cream women too.
They make a food that’s wonderful,
And you don’t even have to chew!
(It seems that most good things in life come from the things that moo).
Blessed are the liposuctionists
Who make the other four
A possibility, and let
Me eat enough for four.
(And now my sermon is complete. No go and eat some more).
Filed under Poems
That Was Almost Disastrous
It’s been awhile
Since a poem of mine
Has been forgotten
‘Til 7:09.
What can I say?
It’s been one of those days
How sorry am I?
Let me count the ways.
I guess that I’m sorry
This poem’s half-baked.
OK, I’m done.
My sarcasm is slaked.
Thanks all for reading,
Especially y’all in New York.
I’m going to sleep now.
Yours truly, a dork.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Malpractice
I went to the doctor.
I was feeling sick.
He hit me with a hammer
And tried to make me kick.
And so I kicked (a bit to hard).
I hope he can still chew…
Now I’ll see if a chiropractor
Can cure my stomach flu.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 