I am the type of person
Who will see the pearly gates
And confess all my discretions
Where redemption thus awaits
Until forward steps St. Peter
And unto me he does declare
“I am Peter”, and I giggle
And am promptly sent “down there”.
Tag Archives: Humor
Cowabunga, Dreamers!
If you ever think your ideas are stupid
Just remember films about turtles
Who are pizza-loving teenage ninjas named after renaissance artists
Made 1.2 billion dollars. How’s that for clearing hurtles?
Filed under Poems
Optimists
When life gives you lemons
You can politely decline,
Explaining “No thanks, I don’t like lemons”
And life will be like “Fine.”
Filed under Poems
Intermittent Fasting
Marketing has accomplished
Another monumental feat:
I see people saying “Pay us
“And in return, don’t eat.”
Filed under Poems
Are They Still Striking? I Hope So…
There once was a Hollywood guy
Who pretended to be an AI.
He wrote a great script
And the writer’s guild flipped.
If all films feel the same now, that’s why.
Filed under Poems
Never Gonna Give You Up
I left an item in a shopping cart
Seven years ago.
I still get advertisements to this day.
I wish I were so smart
That I could only know
How to make my hairline work that way.
Filed under Poems
Unhelpful Knowledge 101
Anyone who complains about math
Because they’ll never use it in real life
Has never memorized the periodic table
Or heard about saying “No” to your wife.
Filed under Poems
Sonnet For The Digital Age
That we who have become so enlightened
To place a mind into machines would first
Use this power (of which we should be frightened)
To animate naked people is cursed.
We’ve woven tales: losing jobs to robots
And our humanity to gigabytes,
Thinking humans will become the have-nots
And electricity will off our lights.
But in creating technical wonder
We have revealed a deeper part of us:
Our minds divert from the wealthy’s plunder
To the size of robo-ladies cy-busts.
Artificial intelligence kills not:
Instead, it lets us chase electric thot.
Filed under Poems
Fable Of A Missing Cat
Kitty in the city
Went a wandering. Owner’s pondering
Where there cat be at
And will it be back? Night is black
And the feline made a beeline
Not thinking of the sinking
Feeling and sorrowful reeling
That has his human worried and fumin’.
For one whole day it stayed away
And then at twilight thought “Well alright
“I’ll return, for my human doth yearn
“For me to pee
“In his home. I shan’t roam.”
And thus the the cat said that was that.
Yet now he purrs as the wanderlust stirs…
Filed under Poems
A Travesty Guide To The Identification Of Wild Berries
Blackberries have thorns
And grow up in the wild.
Whiteberries are bad at basketball
And their bathrooms are well tiled.
Asianberries have good grades
Which means they understand
That whiteberries are not a thing
And this poem got out of hand.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 