Last night I wrote a lot.
Tonight I wrote much not.
The kettle is black and so is the pot.
Tag Archives: poems
Ode To A Fireplace
Fire, fire, in the place,
Chase the cold from limbs and face,
Make my body warm, and keep
My mind at ease so I may sleep.
Do not from the hearth go venture
Or your name I’ll surely censure
As I, with woe, seek to smother
You, the fire I once did mother,
For if you wander to and fro
Up in you my house will go
And I will be unhoused and blue
Because, dear fire, of the antics of you.
Thus I, my fiery friend, entreat:
Don’t aspire to more than heat
A home. Restrain your conflagration
And we’ll share a heartfelt celebration.
Filed under Poems
My Bedtime Is At 8:00… Cut Me Some Slack
There once was a birthday party
That started at 6:30
It went a long time,
Which makes it hard to rhyme
Which is why “30” is now pronounced “tharty”.
Filed under Poems
The Woke Agenda’s Fatal Flaw
One of the problems with globalism
Is that some Scandinavian guy named Anders
Is going to meet a muslim guy named Salaam
And a third party will greet them both
By shouting “Salaam, Anders!”
And some guy terrified of reptiles
Will sue for emotional damages.
Filed under Poems
If It’s A Cylinder, It Can Phwoom-Vwoom-Schwaa!
She saw a roll of wrapping paper,
A pool noodle, and a stick.
He saw a lightsaber, a lightsaber, and a lightsaber
Because he has a dick.
Filed under Poems
Degrees Of Sinfulness
I asked the preacher “Hey what if
“I steal a loaf of bread?”
The preacher answered “You’ll be judged
“In Heaven once you’re dead.”
I asked, “What if I kill somebody
“But I confess before I die?”
The preacher said “The Lord will judge
“If your intention is a lie.”
I asked, “What if I hog
“The bathroom before work?”
The preacher said, “You’ll go to Hell
You [Sinful language] jerk!”
Filed under Poems
The Ski Trip
Tomorrow I’m strapping knives to my feet
And throwing myself down a hill.
Then I’ll get on a chair that flies through the air
And do it again for a thrill.
Filed under Poems
What Do Poets Do At Night? The True Story Revealed!
Tonight I stayed home to guarantee
I could sign up for an event at 6:00 PM.
I spent most of the afternoon watching TV,
Specifically the Seahawks get their ass handed to them.
I was also playing video games
And burning wood to keep my house hot.
I had an awesome time doing everything but
Did I sign up for the event? No I did not.
I spent an evening by myself
Eating cookies and shouting “Dude!”
At the TV, so although I’m a dumby
My man card’s 1,000-percent renewed!
Filed under Poems
But Seriously, Who Doesn’t Want To Do This At Least Once?
I think people would be happier
If once a day, for free,
They could take an eighteen-wheeler
Packed with TNT
And have a robot drive it
Into their neighbor’s chrysanthemum
But that’s very illegal
‘Cause the government is dumb.
Filed under Poems
NFL Folk Tales
If a tree falls in the forest
And no one’s around to see
Will the Packers still pass on receivers
In 2023?
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck wouldn’t chuck…
Perhaps he even couldn’t chuck…
Since Russell Woodchuck still sucks. Good.
—————————————————————
Legend speaks of manticores
With the heads of a lion, an eagle, and goat.
Normally you’d be scared of the lion head
But that’s ‘cause the eagles don’t gloat.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 