Tag Archives: poems

January 1, 2023 · 12:06 pm

New Year, New Ads

A week ago every TV ad

Showed deals on toys and tech.

Now the ads show deals

On food and weight loss. What the heck?

Oh, yeah! Because the year went up

It’s time to be a better you

And thanks to marketing execs

We’ll know just what to do:

Throw money at the products

That say you’ll have more time,

A slimmer waist and better feet

And less suburban crime.

You’ll save a baby elephant

If you buy our fancy knife

And thanks to free shipping (if you buy NOW)

You’ll live a better life.

I, for one, am grateful

To view these free educational shows.

Now excuse me while I lose some weight

And my magically regrows.

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December 31, 2022 · 10:28 pm

Next Year I Resolve To Put More Effort Into Hindsight

Looking back at 2022

I had a revelation that I’d like to share with you:

I realized that retrospectives take a while to do well

So I’ll end this poem early and say this year was pretty swell!

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December 29, 2022 · 10:04 pm

IRS? More Like IQ-0

There once was a federal agency

Who knew how much taxes you owed, you see,

But when you didn’t pay enough

‘Cause math is hard and stuff

They need a whole department to audit ye?

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December 28, 2022 · 9:48 pm

Get It? Cause One’s Glad And One’s… Oh, Nevermind

Some people were happy to fight

In the colosseum’s spotlight.

They were called gladiators, it’s said.

Some of them had freakin’ laser beams

And were greeted by all the young ladies’ screams;

They were called Rad-iators instead.

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December 27, 2022 · 9:20 pm

Hygiene Standards

I walked down the rows

Of “Bed, Bath, and Beyond“

Smelling hand soaps with names

Like “Starlight” and “Palm Frond”.

Then I left to go back

To “Bob’s Soap Retailer”

Where they sell soap called “White”

And “Hope She Lets You Impale ‘Er”.

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December 26, 2022 · 9:33 pm

Enthusiasm Has Its Limits

They put a DVD

In the Nintendo Wii.

They told me “Just Dance”

So I ripped off my pants

And now nobody’s playing with me…

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December 25, 2022 · 8:58 pm

The Ballad Of Suckbot (Chapter 1)

Suckbot the Roomba

Was a very well-loved gift

For my fiancee, who went home today

And watched that vacuum drift.

Suckbot the Roomba

Was an appliance, technically,

But my girl said “Dave, my time you’ll save

“Merry Christmas. Heeheehee!”

You should’ve seen the cat jump at

The sound when we pressed go,

But after some stalking he went walking

Back to his chair and so

Suckbot the Roomba

Has become our second pet.

You say “What’s the fuss?” But he’s a child to us

And he’s not even charged yet!

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December 24, 2022 · 8:27 pm

When You Think You’re Setting Yourself Up For A Challenge, But Then Everything Goes Way Too Easily

I promised myself I wouldn’t write

Another “Night before Christmas” parody.

So now I have to come up with

Hard rhymes, like “Carroty”.

Also included are “Parity”,

“Ferrety”, “charity”, “merrity”,

“Clarity”, “plurality,” “McGarrity”, “Jarret E.”

I guess those rhymes aren’t such a rarity!

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December 23, 2022 · 9:53 pm

Knowing When To Quit

No matter who you’re with

And no matter who you are

There will always be one person

Who goes a bit too far.

They’ll give a speech a bit too long

Or play one piece too many

And when you look for the shits they give

You find that there aren’t any.

If you know this person

I hope you wish them well.

If you are that person

Good riddance! Go to hell.

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December 22, 2022 · 9:05 pm

This Poem Is Probably Racist And Hates Short People

Last night I wrote a lot.

Tonight I wrote much not.

The kettle is black and so is the pot.

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