If you say something sweet to a glacier
And it melts their icy heart
They quietly whisper, “thawwwwwww”
And that’s how global warming starts.
Tag Archives: poems
How Wars Start
Iran said to America, “You da bomb.”
America said, “No, you da bomb.”
And everything would have been ok
Except Israel ran and told their mom.
Filed under Poems
The Things I Do For My Wife
Today I ran a 5K race
With dribbling rain upon my face.
I paid thirty dollars to
Earn a free donut to share with you.
Now I’m soggy, tired, and sore
And I weigh at least a donut more,
But I see a smile in your eyes
And that is why I exercise.
Filed under Poems
I’ve Solved Crime!
Instead of putting folks in jail
Then releasing them later
What if we dressed criminals
So they looked like Darth Vader,
Make them wear black armor
And fill rooms with smoke
And whenever they breath
Make it sound like a choke?
That way when you’re walking
Down a poorly-lit street
You’d know if that stranger
You happened to meet
Is an innocent traveler
Who needs help with a tire
Or a half-robot mugger
Who’s also a liar.
Filed under Poems
They Weren’t Laughing… But There Were Other Signs
If anyone here is deaf
I have an important question:
Do I start jokes with “Have you heard the one about…”
Or do you have a better suggestion?
Filed under Poems
Follow For More Post-Apocalyptic Recipes
The sky has fallen
The sea has boiled
The Earth has shaken
The contingency’s foiled
The zombies prowl
But I’m okay:
Whipped cream goes “psshhhh”
And they can’t take that away
Filed under Poems
Wait… Did The French Just Surrender To Tourists?
So the Louvre closed its doors today
Which is how Mona Lisa would say
“Je ne t’aime pas
“Alors au revoir.”
(And yes, those do rhyme by the way)
Filed under Poems
Challenge Accepted
And so I lounged on a borrowed couch
Devoid of inspiration
And instead of making the difficult choice
To use my imagination
I went onto my phone to search
The internet for an answer
And I recalled why random prompts
Are worse, perhaps, than cancer.
But undeterred, despite misgivings
I shall now attempt
To write what poetrypromptgenerator.com
Gave me without contempt:
There once was a sanctimonious hand-wringer
Whose neurotic pedantry gave a metaphorical finger
To those who deign to carouse
With those of osseous brows.
Some compare me to him as a visual dead ringer.
Filed under Poems
No Kings? No Thanks
There once was a man in a political seat
Whose rhetoric inspired much political heat.
Because of this protestors did amass across the nation
In a movement called “NoKings” which is a hot recent sensation.
Alas, the hockey players in Los Angeles are sad
And the Sacremento basketballers also feel mad.
I for one support our Californian athlete friends
And wish the players happiness until this protest ends.
Filed under Poems
Ted Talks Nowadays
Maybe if we hugged
Pterodactyls every day
We would have world peace
—————————————
Cheese comes from a can
Also from mammal udders
Therefore cows are steel
—————————————-
Climate change is bad.
So is hitting little kids.
#ChangedMyLife
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 