I tried usin’ logic
On a lib’ral feller.
It was like throwin’ a flashbang
At Ms. Helen Keller.
Tag Archives: poems
It’s Not About What You Say
At The Women’s March
When a man marches with a sign
That says “I love women”
He’s praised as an ally
To the feminist cause.
At The Straight Pride Parade
When a man marches with a sign
That says “I love women”
He’s called a neo-nazi homophobe,
And that gives me pause.
Filed under Poems
Also, Why Is Gold Yellow?
If you want to see if someone
Is a masterful debater
Just ask them “Why do asteroids
“Always land within a crater?”
Filed under Poems
A Brief History of the Gold Rush
Back in the wee days of US of A
Some guys went a digging and one shouted “Hey!”
“I found me some gold!” “Oy, I found some too!”
Then guess what everyone wanted to do?
And so people came from all over the planet
To dig through the dirt and, with their eyes, scan it
For speckles and nuggets and loose bits of gold,
And some were successful, or so I’ve been told.
Now as the prospectors from far and near both
Were digging up gold, a woman did quoth:
“The men are all leaving to get rich or die,
“And thus we will join them because… you know why.”
And so California became quite the haven
For men who, for gold in the rivers, were slavin’.
Most folks were strike-outers, but some lucky strike-biggers
Wed the first Frisco lasses, the real gold-diggers.
The Least Surprising Story Ever
The gender-neutral pronoun
In the english tongue is “he”
According to the Chicago Manual of Style.
A person on the internet
Disagreed with me.
He was a vegan 49ers fan named Kyle.
Filed under Poems
Vaping
I said “People love dying of cancer
“And stinky electrical stuff.
“Why don’t we combine them?”
Then the corporations called my bluff.
Filed under Poems
NASCAR as a Political Metaphor
The Right
NASCAR is America’s favorite sport,
And know I think I know why:
They keep turning left over and over
Until they crash, burn, and die.
———————————————————–
The Left
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But the first guy does not understand:
If the drivers do not turn left fast enough
The kill random folks in the stands.
————————————————————
The Highly Intelligent
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But I prefer monster trucks.
At least we agree on the important stuff,
Which is to agree soccer sucks.
Filed under Poems
Worth It
Once I took viagra
And had an erection for 36 hours.
That’s a lot of power from a pill!
When, of it, my doctor learned
He said “don’t be concerned,”
But I still had 35 hours and 58 minutes to kill.
Filed under Poems
Mary Poppins, Directed by Quentin Tarantino
I like hiking by the stream.
I like the taste of whipping cream.
I like having a happy dream.
Also, the electric chair.
Filed under Poems
The Frog Prince’s Happy Ending
A long time ago in Pacote
A princess would swim in the moat.
A frog said “I’m a knight,”
So she kissed him. That night
She wound up with a frog in her throat.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 