Salads are bad.
We know this because
The dressing industry exists to hide
How bad your salad was.
Tag Archives: poems
My Little League Career
Like the full moon’s silhouette
In the cloudless morning sky
The baseball whispered through the air
And smacked me in the eye.
It’s not a good analogy
Nor a comfortable event
But it gets the basic point across
Of how the ballgame went.
Filed under Poems
Like Duck Puns… BUT BETTER 🔥
If you want a large-beaked bird
A pelican will do.
If you want a big-beaked philosopher
Then Peli Kant’s for you.
If you want a big-beaked marsupial
Try pelikangaroo.
If you want other big-beaked puns…
You guessed it: Pelican-do.
Filed under Poems
Quick Thoughts On Bad Drivers
Justice
I think we all agree that it’s
A terrible fate to drown
But I still wish it on those
Who pass me then slow down.
——————————————————–
Bumper Stickers:
It have noticed that
People honk for Jesus more
When I text my friends.
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Self-Awareness
If you see a car with the hazard lights on
It’s probably my Grandma Ruth.
She’s not a very good driver
But she always tells the truth.
——————————————————–
You Do It Too…
My pinky and ring-finger rise
And my upward palm is flat,
The universal symbol
Of “What the fuck was that?”
Filed under Poems
Marriage
As the lovers grew older
Much to the wife’s delight
Her husband looked much like Sean Connery.
The husband didn’t say it
(For he didn’t want a fight)
But he couldn’t help but think it: So did she.
Filed under Poems
Really Puts Things In Perspective…
A seahorse is always angry
For that is the seahorse’s curse.
You probably can’t tell that it’s angry
And that just makes the poor thing feel worse.
The things that make seahorses happy
Are skis and the word “Bangalore.”
The next time that you see a seahorse
I hope you can empathize more.
Filed under Poems
Diversity
I told my family that I’m gay.
They said “No problem, that’s okay.”
I told them next that I do drugs.
They said “Let us give you hugs.”
I said I like to eat poo.
They said “We’re always here for you.”
I told them I voted for Trump.
They said “Kill yourself you nazi asshole.”
Filed under Poems
Dear Snowflakes…
If the words of a total stranger
Can cause great offense to you
Then I have just one thing to say
And that is whoop-dee-doo.
Filed under Poems
Breaking Up, 2019 Style
Like a printed photo album,
A collection of CDs,
The World Book Encyclopedia
Or watching things live on TV,
Like “Internet Explorer”
Or a brick-and-mortar store
Or carrying dimes to make a phone call
I don’t need you anymore.
The Daily Travesty 