Bananas recall
When they were the phone-shaped fruit.
Ah, the good old days…
Tag Archives: poems
Financial Planning 101
All you have to do to be rich
Is take a home equity loan
Then invest in a diversified index fund
With an interest rate that makes you moan
Then wait thirty years as the market grows
And you’ll be in billionaire bliss!
That or just be good looking
And divorce someone who did this.
Filed under Poems
That Was My First Mistake
You ask how I got this black eye?
Are you sure you want to hear it?
Well, my options were fight or flight
And my airline of choice is Spirit.
Filed under Poems
Regifted
Another year, another home,
Another colored paper.
I’m not abused, merely unused;
A melancholy caper.
I’m passed around from town to town,
Each owner feigning cheer
To unwrap me with family
Each and every year.
I may have been a bestseller
That’s long since been forgotten
Or a perfume or a candle
That smells like something rotten,
A gidget, doodad, souvenir,
Or other miscellaneous crap.
I’m the gift you keep on giving.
See you next year! That’s a wrap.
Filed under Poems
Helping In The Kitchen
If you make some lemon chiffon
Then add escargot and dijon
Then turn up the mixer
You make an elixir
That makes wife cook all meals from now on.
Filed under Poems
Something To Hide, Fat Man?
There was a thump by the fireplace
So I snuck out to see
If I could catch old Santa Claus
Putting gifts beneath the tree.
Sure enough, that fat jolly elf
Was supplying Christmas cheer
While muttering curses to himself,
Halfway through a six-pack of beer.
“Hi Santa”, I said, then charmingly smiled.
Saint Nick jumped a foot in the air.
“What on earth are you doing, young innocent child?
“It’s way past bed time. Don’t you care?”
And so I was stuck in a Catch-22:
To say that I cared was a lie
And as any child my age surely knew
That would make my presents go goodbye
But to say I don’t care about bed time
Is naughty list stuff (or adjacent)
So I smiled and said, “Oops, off to bed!”
And I went to my room to be patient.
Next morning I woke and discovered, delighted,
My gifts were still under the tree
So that drunk so-and-so who guffaws “ho-ho-ho”
Must be naughtier even than me?
Filed under Poems
Generous Older Man Seeking Mistletoe Fan
“Ho ho ho”, I said
Checking twice the naughty list,
Always swiping right.
Filed under Poems
Magic Mike or Fabulous Frank?
There once was a dancer whose thighs
Were of the most momentous size.
Picking up girls was easy
And he never seemed sleazy.
Alas, he was just into guys.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 