Message if you want to,
But I’ll save you some time:
I love ’90’s country music
And I don’t want a partner in crime.
If you don’t use “whom correctly”
Or distinguish “your” and “you’re”
Stay friendly with your loneliness
For I won’t be your cure.
I’m a diehard Libertarian
And I earn a poet’s wage.
I’m more honest than you’d like
And look nothing like Nick Cage.
If you’ve endured this poem
Without committing seppuku
Then here is what I will repeat:
Message if you want to.
Filed under Poems
Do I say I’m 5’11”
To seem as if I’m honest?
Do I say that I’m 6-foot-1
Because that is the truth?
Do I say that I’m 6-foot-3
‘Cause you’ll subtract two inches?
Or do I just say F*** it
And come off as uncouth?
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Turkey, chicken, ostriche, duck.
Tonight I do not give a.
Filed under Poems
She looks at me with longing.
I see only snakes.
For a moment our eyes meet
Before I turn to stone,
Having time only to think
“Why didn’t I major in Greek Mythology?”
Filed under Poems
Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Well,
That was easy.
Now quit crying.
Filed under Poems
I’m a very lucky guy!
I got word from the IRS…
They’re giving me an Audi!
A brand new car? Oh yes!
It’s the summer time
And it isn’t snowing.
The house needs cleaning,
The grass meeds mowing.
There’s no place to park
And the clouds have gone gray
But my heart’s light and sunny
‘Cause I neuter and spay.
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I have a pet dog
Named “Bounty Hunter.”
I have a pet cow named “Hog.”
I’ve got to say
It’s easier
To find a good name for a dog.
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I heard that when uncertainty
About your future strikes
Examining what you avoid
Can lead you to your likes.
I tend to avoid everything
And like lying in bed
Writing jokes about the stuff
That’s running through my head.
I tend to avoid washing things,
Dishes and self included,
And consequently feel good
When I eat (get watered and fooded).
I like to be alone a lot.
I like the color orange.
I dislike thinking ahead
Which sometimes makes life hardyorange.
And so I have concluded
From my lifestyle and refinement
That I should pursue a career
In solitary confinement.
So if someone were so kind
As to frame me for a murder
I’d be grateful for all my life
And happy with my life’s direction-urder.
Filed under Poems
“I’ll try anything once”
Is a dumb thing to say
Unless with great agony
You are okay.
Would you lick a jellyfish,
Sword fight with a shark
Or leave a mean youtube comment
About Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Would you drink from the gutter
Or go surfing in Maine?
Would you call someone Mexican
If you know they’re from Spain?
Would you go see “The Notebook”
Starring Jackie Chan?
Stick your head in the oven
And hope to get tan?
I hope my point’s proven
But if you still say “Yes”
Then try liking this poem
And go learn to play chess.
Filed under Poems
