My friends all shouted “goose”
As the spear flew towards my head.
I might be alive today
If they shouted “duck” instead.
Tag Archives: Postaday
Rethink Your Motto
Don’t come in here!
I have a hunch
That I soon
Must lose my lunch.
I had green eggs
And Ham a la carte.
“I’ll try anything once”
Is good fun, but not smart.
Filed under Poems
The Chihuahua Cometh
Hear ye, neighbors!
The herald of the morning
And a singer through the night
Has arrived this day!
He weighs four pounds
Of pure vocal chords
And hatred for humanity.
Next time think twice
About blocking my driveway.
Filed under Poems
Every House Has A Silver Icing
I live in a really disgusting house.
It’s sticky and melts in the rain
And when wild animals chew on my walls
Baking them again is a pain.
I can’t stand my gumdrop garden
And it draws human children like crack.
At least the kids, while noisy and rude,
Can make for a pretty good snack.
Filed under Poems
Wrong Stool
I asked “How do I get taller?”
They said “stand on a stool.”
Now my shoes smell like crap
And I feel like a fool.
If So, You’re Doomed
If I were born with tentacles
Sticking out of my head
At first I’d think my life was rather sad,
But I could meet a pretty squid
And maybe have a kid
And then it wouldn’t be nearly as bad.
So if you have no limbs
Or an extra toe or two
Don’t worry. You’ll find love for sure!
You’ll find the one, I guarantee
Unless you are like me,
That is: online, honest, and five-foot four.
Filed under Poems
Ooh (with a silent H) Burn
Salmon has a silent L.
Nothing has a silent Q.
I wish I were like the word “vague,”
That is, with a silent U.
Filed under Poems
Morning Sax
When I wake up in the morning
And look at your sleeping face
I feel like I’ve got everything,
Just like J.P. Morgan Chase.
I know that you’re still sleeping.
Makes sense, ’cause it’s 5:03,
But I just have to surprise you
With the greatest part of me,
And so I whip out my saxophone
And lick the reed ’til it’s damp
Then it’s you and me at 5:03
And a cover of John Mellencamp.
I gave you morning sax!
Comso says it’s great.
I gave you morning sax
‘Cause funky just can’t wait.
I gave you morning sax!
I’d say that’s pretty fly.
I wanted you to say “Oh God yes!”
But I’ll settle for “Oh God, why?!”
When you wake up in the morning
And see my body lying prone
In a pool of hot red blood
Clutching my saxophone
At first you’re shocked and worried
But you throw some coffee down
And remember last night’s victory
As you drive into town.
And as I lie, still bleeding
From the opening in my head
I dream about tomorrow
When I’ll play Kenny G instead.
I’ll give you morning sax!
It’s better the second time.
I’ll give you morning sax!
I’m sure it will be fine.
I’ll give you morning sax!
Sure, it’s a taxing gig
But I just love that moment
When your eyes get so, so big!
I played for you the morning
Of the day I finally died.
When the doctor shared the news
I like to think you cried.
You told me you lack self-control
Before you are awake
And that any more at 5:04
Was more than you could take.
As you call the undertaker
And they ask if you will hold
I only hope that waiting music
Makes your heart a bit less cold.
Now you’ll hear mourning sax!
It don’t mean a thing.
Enjoy the mourning sax!
All you had to do was sing…
There’s no more morning sax!
Let that sink into your brain
As you take five, my satin doll,
Riding home on the “A” train…
(Fading out)
How long will it take to Bari me?
Tenor so minutes.
A little Charlie Bird told me.
I’m on a Coltrane to Hell.
The Daily Travesty 