A resurrected hero
From a bygone age
Walked into a bar.
He killed rats in the basement
And looted their bodies,
But that’s all I’ve played so far.
Tag Archives: Postaday
Networking for Psychos
I’m a fan of gatherings
Like a conference or a fest
Where people with shared interests
Can do what they do best.
I suggest a conference
For wannabe school shooters
Where they can get some practice.
Also welcome: thieves and looters.
Filed under Poems
The Bathrooms Are Clean In Seattle
There was moisture on
The toilet seat.
Somebody had to
Take the heat
For failing to properly
Aim their piss.
We blamed the Minnesotan,
‘Cause when it counts, they miss.
Date Ape
When things go bananas in the bedroom
Don’t you worry. Nothing’s wrong!
You’ve just received the blessing
Of the famous Kinky Kong.
Filed under Poems
My Bathroom Enemy
(This one’s for anyone who’s lives in a five bedroom, one bath house).
It’s seven fifty-five
And I work at eight.
He’s the only reason
That I’m always late.
He used up the hot water
But he doesn’t care.
He gets back in the shower.
He forgot to wash his hair.
My bathroom nemesis
Taking his daily bowel exodus!
He thinks that it’s his destiny
To be the only one to pee!
My bathroom enemy.
One I day got the flu.
I was puking for days,
I couldn’t use the bathroom
‘Cause of what’s-his-face.
At midnight I snuck in
To go number two.
We’re out of toilet paper.
Oh yeah! Guess who?
My bathroom adversary
Taking longer than necessary.
He thinks that it’s his destiny
To be the only one to pee.
My bathroom enemy!
I haven’t bathed in eighteen days.
I just can’t get around this guy.
I’ve has enough. I’ll show him
A brand new bathroom in the sky!
And when he’s dead
We’ll think we’re saved,
But the corpse will miss the burial
‘Cause he still hasn’t shaved!
My bathroom supervillain,
On the procelain throne, just chillin’.
Turns out it’s not his destiny
To be the only one to pee.
The other roommates worship me
‘Cause I killed my bathroom enemy!
Filed under Poems
For The Non-Partiers
I’ve got a real shindig
For those wallflowers out there.
I’ve got seats in every corner
To sit silently and stare.
I’m not saying it’ll get crazy,
But heck, you never know!
All y’all are invited.
BYO H2O.
Filed under Poems
Unusual Tastes
Someone put Mayo on my lucky charms.
These pranks have to stop!
How am I supposed to taste my Sriracha
Through all that eggy glop?
Filed under Poems
Spam Has Feelings Too
Sure, I send love notes
To quite a long list
Of folks who viewed websites
Your firewall missed.
One day I’ll be Rachel,
Then April or Pam.
I’m whomever you like
If you check out my cam.
My purpose of being
Is simply to please.
I’ll make your face a colon
With a parantheses. 🙂
Sure I’m a robot,
But please don’t be irked.
I’ll love you like Siri
If she actually worked.
Filed under Poems
Why My Fitness Starts In February
He’s running backwards on the treadmill,
She’s failing to do a squat,
And that guy with the free weights
Is doing who know’s what.
They try not to laugh at her
And not to stare at him.
It’s every fit guy’s nightmare:
January at the gym.
Filed under Poems
A Courteous Reply To Billy Joel
I know you want me to sing you a song
‘Cause you’re feeling okey-dokey.
But I don’t sing. I’m the Piano Man.
Why don’t y’all go and sing Karaoke?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 