I was in Transylvania
On a foolish holiday
When a vampire decided
To make me not ok.
I saw that he was hungry
But I sought to understand
What filled this monster’s heart
In this spooky far-off land.
He said when he was mortal
He had owned a ranch,
And the finest heads of cattle
Came from his European branch.
He longed for the days of yore
When cooking was an art,
So I cooked him up a ribeye.
It was a steak through his heart.
Filed under Poems
There once was a gaudy raven
Who wore a crown, but wasn’t a king.
A pair of humans saw this
And plotted a wicked thing.
They aimed to kill the impostor
So around the land ‘twould be heard:
“Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
“Two kill a mock king bird!”
Filed under Poems
I walked up to my teacher
When I was eight years old
And smiled widely and said this,
Or so I have been told:
“Why’d the agoraphobic sled dog
“Not eat the deluxe pizza on the floor?
“He was afraid of too much mush room.”
That’s why I don’t go to school anymore.
Filed under Poems
I know a guy who never buys anything
Unless he can find it on sale.
I know another who loves unicorns;
They’re both into fair retails.
Filed under Poems
Every time you set up a game
Of chess and take a pawn
You’ve created a token minority.
That’s all for tonight… moving on…
Filed under Poems
And herbivore eats herbs
And a carnivore eats meat
And an omnivore eats everything
Which I think’s really neat.
I don’t have a lot of money
And traveling in Spain was I
And somebody said “Por favor”
And now I’m just waiting to die.
Filed under Poems
I think that Jesus didn’t have children
Because if he had children then
He’d make them sandwiches, but they’d complain
“Daaad… pastrami and rise again?”
—————————————————————
On the other hand, Moses was famous
For his sandwiches. That’s what I hear.
In fact, back in Egypt I heard he was voted
The Nigev desert’s manna the year.
Filed under Poems
Steve the alligator
Looked at the lemon rind
That, squeezed out and discarded,
In the swamp he did find.
The lemon said “Life gave me
“And thus did I die,
“So I warn you dear gator
“That your time is nigh.”
Filed under Poems
I needed some lubrication
(Not for that, you dirty cad!)
So I went to the supermarket
To see what types they had.
They had oil made from olives,
Coconuts, almonds, sunflowers,
And ingredients I can’t pronounce
Even if I tried for hours.
But then I saw a product
That set my blood a boil:
Somebody was selling there
A jar of baby oil!
Filed under Poems
If you put yogurt into a tube
It changes its name to Gogurt.
If you put yogurt into a friendship
It changes its name to brogurt.
If you plant yogurt deep in the forest
Someday it just might growgurt.
If you give it high heels and make it dance
You could say its a showgurt.
The Daily Travesty 