I said, “Girl, you are fine.”
She said, “Boy, you’re adequate.”
After that things went alright
And basically, well, that was it.
Tag Archives: Relationships
Wanna Hang Out?
I said “If”
She said, “Did I tell you about…”
I said “You”
She said “The time I had the doubt…”
I said “Don’t”
“About whether or not…”
I said “Shut”
“This eyeliner makes me hot…”
I said “Up”
“‘Cause I, like, wasn’t totally sure…”
I said “I”
“If this was chic or, like, couture…”
I said “Will”
“So I called my BFF…”
I said “Do”
“And was like, ‘Sup, my broseph…”
I said “What”
“And he was like, ‘Oh girl…”
I said “Epstein”
“That shade of ivory makes me hurl…”
I said “Didn’t.”
She would stop,
Or so I thought;
She kept talking;
I did not.
I hung around;
She tied the knot.
Filed under Poems
It’s Not The Size… It’s The Personality
Here’s to all the porcupines
Who smile from behind their spines.
How they reproduce may you-befuddle,
As might how, afterwards, they cuddle.
One thing that I know for certain
Is neither partner ends up hurtin’
Which is more than I can say
For every woman I’ve had. Yay!
Filed under Poems
Anyway
I haven’t been touched like that for a while,
Long enough to forget the taste of a smile,
‘Cause who needs love when you’re in denial anyway?
I couldn’t tell you about my best friend,
Haven’t written letters that I want to send.
What good are people when the world is ending anyway?
Even though I know I lived through the past
I can’t remember when I forgot time last.
Why can’t the years alone go by so fast anyway?
I haven’t been touched like that for a while,
Was living in a life marching single file
‘Cause who needs love when you’re in denial anyway?
Thanks for listening even when it’s tough.
A lot of people need to say this kind of stuff.
Now I feel and I hope that I’ve said enough.
Anyway…
Tossup
Hello to you, dear reader
(Or listener, if you will).
Might I suggest a simple game
Of chance instead of skill?
It’s the tossing of a silver coin
To results in heads or tails.
Your side of choice is a liquid voice
But the other side is wails.
With a heads, you’re six feet taller
Dancing circles in the sky
With a castle full of diamonds
And a friend who’ll never die,
Your wishes but a whim away
In a life devoid of loss.
I’ll even throw a dragon in
If you’ll give my coin a toss!
With a tails, six-feet under
Is a wish that won’t come true
As sky and earth and ocean
Are a nemesis to you.
You look around at all you hate
But only mirrors see,
And the dragon’s on the table still
If you’ll toss a coin with me.
Should you face a face post-flipping
You’ll have all that you can eat,
Removed from all discomforts
And immune to all deceit.
Your words will carry weight again
And the sun will always shine.
The face you face just might be yours
If you’ll flip this coin of mine!
But if that face is hidden
Hidden will your face be too
Behind your ever-aching hands
And whatever that guy threw…
There’ll be excellence around you
But the best you’ll get is fair;
It’s the risk you take for sending
My coin spinning through the air.
Should you be a coward
To avoid the loss of tails
There’ll be lemon in your water
And wind within your sails.
Should you be a hero
And pursue the wealth of heads
You’ll have no fear of failure
And a lack of empty beds.
Euphoria awaits you
In the paradise you made
With an open grave beside it
Dug by hand and fortune’s spades.
A two-faced ally in the air
Does Heaven and Hell divide
Will you be fine with good enough
Or care to pick a side?
Filed under Poems
You Can’t Spell “Guilt” Without U and I
Well, you tried to con a dollar
From my hard day’s work
But I’ve never worked a day in my life.
Then you tried to sell me something
In an unmarked bag.
I said “Maybe, but I gotta ask my wife.”
Then you pulled a Smith and Wesson
From your paint-on jeans
And you told me “Pull your wallet out slow.”
Nine months later you’ve a stroller,
I’m approved for my parole-a.
When it’s love, sometimes you just know.
Filed under Poems
🍆👸? 👎,ℹ️🌈!
I met a girl in cooking class
When I was seventeen.
She texted “Wanna have some fun?”
I asked “What do you mean?”
She sent me some emojis
Of an eggplant and a queen.
I replied “Thanks for the offer
“But I’m out of aubergine.”
Filed under Poems
Math Anxiety
My teacher asks “What’s the square root of nine?”
I say the answer is three.
The girlfriend asks “What’s the value of X”
And I say “She means nothing to me!”
Filed under Poems
New Study Shows Women Are “Marrying Down…”
My car may have it’s share of dings,
I may not buy you fancy things,
I might forget your name a lot,
I might comment “Your mom is hot,”
I might not read your favorite book,
I’ll seldom clean and never cook,
But if you become my wife
You can wear sweat pants for the rest of your life!
Filed under Poems
When All The Good Men Are 5’11”
If a man makes 40k
And his girl makes 10
She’ll happily be his Barbie
And he will be her Ken.
If a man makes 40k
And his girl makes 20
She will call him Sugarplum
And he will call her Honey.
If a man makes 40k
And his girl makes thirty
You can guarantee that they’ll
Be eager to talk dirty.
If a man makes 40k
And she makes 41
Shame on her for dating down!
Their relationship is done.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 