Women buy all kinds of scented candles
With scents like Carmel Apple and Sandalwood.
These candles smell like what the label tells you
And that kind of clarity is good.
The reason men don’t buy more scented candles
Is because the candles don’t have scents for a guy
Like “Cool Sports Rush”, “Hang Ten”, or “Anaconda”
Which are the smells we men have proved we’ll buy.
Filed under Poems
The big bad wolf went down to the coop
Where the farmer said “There’s 38 genders.”
The wolf ain’t ate no chickens so far
But he ate the chicken tenders.
Filed under Poems
In the high school for automobiles
No one likes the electric cars.
They don’t get invited to parties
And they aren’t the athletic stars.
Not even the nerds like the ‘lectrics
Because all the gas cars have colluded
To ensure what we’ve known all our lives:
That batteries aren’t included.
Filed under Poems
There was a little spider
In my bathroom late at night.
Now it’s gone, and so is one shotgun shell
And I have a new skylight!
Filed under Poems
Did you know that firewood,
While primarily used to burn,
Can also be used to make children sad?
Now you do! Live and learn!
Filed under Poems
Some dumb humdrum bum
Hummed with numb gums.
The sounds was plum crumby
So I gave bum some gum.
The dumb bum said “yum”
And flashed upward his thumb.
May the bum not succumb
And have more words than mum.
Filed under Poems
So God was like “I made animals
“And they’re useful and delicious
“But you chose to eat an apple
“And so, to be malicious,
“I’ll make your parents teach you
“That vegetables are good
“And also make steak cost way more
“Than such meat ever should.”
Filed under Poems
There once was a UFO
That crashed in New Mexico.
People there made contact
And now it’s a fact
That it’s now nothing more than an O.
Filed under Poems
If your Catholic parents are angry
That you play video games
Just tell them you’re playing “Mass Effect”
Then you can be the one who blames.
Filed under Poems
Apple sent me their terms and conditions
But my wife said “You don’t have to read it.”
So I listened to my wife
And now my eternal life…
Well, turns out I have to concede it.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 