There once was a suburban dad
Who was a most serious lad.
He never told jokes
To his kids or his folks
And because of that they all were sad.
Now that you feel sufficiently guilty…
What did the dog say to the octopus?
I like bones.
Get it? ‘Cause he’s a dog?
Laugh, or I’ll read you the limerick again…
Filed under Poems
New year, new you?
You do that too?
So that makes two
Of us. Who knew!
New year, new me
Is how I see
My future will be
Until January 3.
Then new year’s old
Or so I’m told
So I’ll put on hold
My plans so bold.
Filed under Poems
In halcyon hours, my maiden and me
Become one with each other until
Through effort and grace we lie face to face
As nature concludeth its will.
Then I am afflicted with such a condition
Where my brain is in tune with my bowels
And for hours after I know only laughter
And I can speak only in vowels.
Or to put it another way…
Iayohouyaieae
Eoeoeieaoeui
Oueoaaeeieaeoae
Aaueoueii.
EIaaieiuaoiio
Weeyaiiiueiyowe
AohouaeIooyaue
AIaeaoyiowe.
Filed under Poems
I used to have a whole bunch of dice
But I can’t find two of them now.
I suppose that means it’s a pair o’ dice lost?
(Yes, this is a pun. Anyhow…)
Filed under Poems
I know I shouldn’t have walked alone
Through the parking garage at night,
Especially when it’s very dark
And I am very white.
Some hoodlums did assail me
And called “Hands in the air!”
But I did not not obey them
And instead without a care
Reached deep inside my jacket
Where I keep my alto recorder
And I played the G Major scale
To restore the law and order.
And so the hoodlums left me
And I drove home just fine.
That’s why you pay attention in school.
Now what’s the log (base ten) of nine?
Filed under Poems
If you ever see an orphan
In Gotham after dark
You should take off your spandex
And find somewhere else to park.
Filed under Poems
There was a race car driver from Leyte
Who suffered a terrible plight:
He was the world’s best
But for one crucial test:
He only knew how to turn right.
Filed under Poems
I played in a band today
In a red jacket to everyone’s dismay.
The jacket was so sparkly bright
We really did play alright.
I just did two more lines
And now I’m going to do my wife’s behinds.
Filed under Poems
Today I’m thankful for low standards,
Two-line poems, and also band nerds.
Filed under Poems
This ten minute break
Isn’t long enough to write
More than a Haiku.
But I’m not an ass!
I’ll reward you with not one
Haiku, but with two!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 