I was warming a bowl of alphabet soup
‘Cause I’m a grown up, and I can
When I looked down and wondered aloud
“Why’s there so much broth in my pan?”
Now I could add noodles and call it a day
But I felt, toward that fix, an aversion,
So instead I went shopping for a new can
And this time got the Japanese version.
Filed under Poems
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb
Little lamb…
Mary had a little lamb
And the obstetrician fainted
Fainted
Fainted…
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The monarch butterfly revealed
It’s gold and ebony splendor,
The ruler with antennas fair
And wings both strong and tender.
Alas, his reign was shortened
When he came upon a boy
Who thought his wings were pretty
And he’d make a worthy toy.
The boy absconded with the bug
Who ruled the butterflies
And in a box of colorful corpses
Does now his body lie.
So I decry the practice
Of collecting bugs and lobby
That only spiders be collected
By those who hold this hobby.
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There once was a Candy Crush knockoff
There twice was a Candy Crush knockoff
There thrice was a knockoff
Four times was a knockoff
Five times was a Candy Crush knockoff
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Why do we keep electing the people
Who think that it’s totally cool
To make a new law that requires a sign
That says “Wet Floor” and goes in the pool?
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Marketing has accomplished
Another monumental feat:
I see people saying “Pay us
“And in return, don’t eat.”
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Anyone who complains about math
Because they’ll never use it in real life
Has never memorized the periodic table
Or heard about saying “No” to your wife.
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That we who have become so enlightened
To place a mind into machines would first
Use this power (of which we should be frightened)
To animate naked people is cursed.
We’ve woven tales: losing jobs to robots
And our humanity to gigabytes,
Thinking humans will become the have-nots
And electricity will off our lights.
But in creating technical wonder
We have revealed a deeper part of us:
Our minds divert from the wealthy’s plunder
To the size of robo-ladies cy-busts.
Artificial intelligence kills not:
Instead, it lets us chase electric thot.
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Sure, falling in love is satisfying
But have you ever had a poop where you thought
Everything in life was good again?
Apparently the music business has not.
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I could pay money every month
To have access to a gym
Where I lift heavy objects
To feel pain within my limb
And when the lifting’s over
I can climb or bike or run
On a machine that makes it possible
To never feel done
Then I can take my clothes off
In a public locker room
And eat vegetables for breakfast…
Or I can stay home and play Doom.
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The Daily Travesty 