If I had a peanut
For every time I had a dark thought
There we be fewer kids with allergies
And crematoriums would profit a lot.
Tag Archives: Travesty
Phoning This One In…
There once was a phone with low battery
That I tried to charge with some flattery.
I said, “Hey there Samsung.
“You look very well hung.”
But it died and now I can’t be chattery.
Filed under Poems
Just Get A Liiiiittle Bit Angrier With Every Line
Sandy sand is on the beach.
I am pink just like a peach.
The sun shines on the sand and me
But I get burnt and it goes free.
I am angry at the sand
So I grab a shovel and
Stab it in its sandy bum.
Now it’s a castle and I feel dumb.
Sand is now my enemy.
I need cash but it lives free.
Sand’s just dirt, so I ask why
I must become it when I die?
The government has outlawed drugs
And pitching tents for homeless thugs
But the substance I think should be banned?
Yes! You guessed it! F***ing sand!
Filed under Poems
Some Day My Wife Will Hear Me Singing This And She’ll Slip Quietly Out The Back And Never Be Seen Again
Hush little baby! Don’t you cry
Or I’ll play you an elephant lullaby
And all that trumpeting hurts your ears
And sure, maybe daddy’s had one too many beers…
Filed under Poems
Seriously, His Timing Was Impeccable
There once was a beloved cat
Who thought it appropriate that
In a moment of passion
It would be in fashion
To smother my face with its fat.
Filed under Poems
Ooh! Proof! Also Pool And Book And…
All good things have double o’s
And not just double-o-seven.
There’s good food and a good poop
And good wood can be heaven.
Also see spoonful of sugar,
Parenthood, toothsomeness, and the zoo.
Unless you’re a toothless bloodthirsty cooter
I’m sure you’ll agree with me too!
Filed under Poems
When Nobody Gets You But Your Online Friends
A pack of wolves descends upon
The injured doe, devouring
All they can reach, the meat which they
Find ever so empowering.
Behind the pack, one wolf holds back
And types into its phone
“I’m vegan and my family’s like totally weird
“Hashtag wolf, hashtag lone.”
Filed under Poems
Sincerely, Asian Parents
If at first you don’t succeed
Find a doctor or lawyer with which to breed
Then every day remind your kid
They need to succeed at what you never did.
Filed under Poems
Psychiatrists Might Call This “A Cry For Help”
There once was a homicidal maniac
Who like to hold poets hostage.
He may not understand rhyming
But as long as I keep writing
He won’t turn me into bolognese sauce…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 