I found an amazing solution
To everything that’s ever been bad,
A panacea that renders meaningless
Every problem that I’ve ever had.
This solution is what we call “apathy,”
And it means that you don’t give a shit.
It’s an amazing, awesome, and wonderful thing
Even though I haven’t mastered it.
Filed under Poems
Yesterday, my neighbors
Put on a firework display
Although it was illegal,
But everyone was like, “Okay.”
And so some normal people
Broke the law, and yet someone
Still thinks that no criminals
Can buy an illegal gun…
Filed under Poems
Today we set off tiny bombs
And cook our meat outside
To celebrate the freedom
That we’re missing nationwide.
We sing about a starry flag
And amber waves of grain
While people we dislike like tell us
To proudly wear a chain.
The news stops all-day coverage
Of outrage today to share:
“Our founding fathers owned some slaves
And why we ought to care.“
We are still the people
Who are governed with consent;
It is what the founding fathers wrote
And it is what they meant.
So as I celebrate the flag
And eat my apple pie
I’m thankful I still own myself;
I will live free or die.
Filed under Poems
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”
Is just a longer way to say
“Be like a bee.” Butterflies suck.
Also, bees die when they sting, so ok…
Filed under Poems
I am a homeless student
Who’s unemployed so, knock on wood,
I won’t have any homework
So I guess my life is good.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes I wonder what bumps in the night,
If a leaf feels joy as the wind gives it flight,
How a man feels alone in the heart of a crowd,
If a teacher dreads saying the words “Sperm Whale” aloud.
Sometimes I wonder why I wonder why,
And if I’ll stop wondering after I die.
I smile as these musings run wild through my head,
Then I crank out a poem and go off to bed.
Filed under Poems
Rainbows, rainbows, go away
Let the sky be blue!
If we want something colorful
Then fireworks will do!
And while we are at home, watching
The rainbows go away
We can watch football again
Without it being gay.
I can’t wait until the day
When rainbows dissipate
And I am blamed for being white
Instead of being straight.
Rainbows, rainbows, go away
As June turns to July…
But leave behind lesbian porn
And George Takei’s “Oh My.”
Filed under Poems
There once was a guy named Kibau
Who lived on a farm with a plough.
He once swore a vow
Never once to say “Ciao”
And you get the point: Spelling is stupid.
Filed under Poems
Today we remember the world’s greatest dancer
Who ten score years earlier passed on from cancer.
Before she succumbed to the tumors and such
She lived a grand life and accomplished so much:
She was the first woman to dance on the moon,
The first to make contact with the Laser Raccoon,
The inventor of Carbon, the first scrambler of eggs,
And ZZ Top’s inspiration to write “She’s Got Legs.”
When she was young people said she was odd
For she went to the pet store and adopted a God.
As she grew older her thoughts turned to war
And where once there was everything there soon was no more,
So she let her pet rebuild quite a bit
While she spent her time just relaxing a bit.
Then she saw an ad in a paper one day
And, on a whim, chose to take up ballet.
She learned how to twirl and wear tutus and stuff
And discovered ballet was incredibly tough…
Much tougher than crushing rebellions, they say…
Worse even than smelling some Axe body spray.
She struggled and sweated, for she felt it vital
That she must be ready for her first recital.
She struggled and strained through each pirouette
‘Til she was the best that a dancer could get.
Some people had doubted, had mocked her and laughed
But after she danced they all saw how they’d gaffed.
“Alas,” they cried out as she do-si’d her do
And those who felt proud suddenly felt quite low.
And as she bowed low and the watchers applauded
And her majesty great by the critics was lauded
She said the five words that ended her tale:
She said “I was born biologically male.”
The entire world raged and volcanoes erupted
As their heroine’s image by sin was corrupted
And so she was wiped from the pages of history
And now even her name is no more than a mystery.
Some people will tell you this poem’s not funny,
That I am just lying ‘cause I want your money,
But know that this legend is utterly true
Or the Earth isn’t flat and the sky isn’t blue.
And if you say otherwise, I’ll have you know
There’s a place where all bad kids like you have to go…
The worst prison ever, a hell of a jail
Reserved for those convicted of being a white male.
That’s all for today, little wards of the state.
Now go home and remember, love is better than hate.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes you fee like a pop tart,
But sometimes you’re generic toaster strudel.
Sometimes you’re the star of the kennel,
But sometimes you’re a Belgian poodle.
Sometimes you’re the Kleenex
Instead of Kirkland Signature facial tissue.
But on days you feel you’re generic
Know that it’s not a critical issue.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 