Science has concluded
That for most life on earth
The number of penises you have
Is inversely correlated with your odds of giving birth.
Tag Archives: Travesty
Now That’s A Team That’s Cooking With Gas
Vikings killed a lot of folks;
Bears and lions too.
Warriors kill a lot of folks
‘Cause that’s just what they do.
Tigers, dolphins, bulldogs, eagles
Kill lots of stuff, and yet
No high school that I know of
Has picked a Hitler mascot yet.
Filed under Poems
Yes, I’m A White Male. Why Do You Ask?
There are as many guns as people
In the USA.
There are more rounds of ammo
Than people in history.
Yet you think murder will stop
If guns go away.
Your method of thinking…
Now that is a mystery!
Filed under Poems
One Man’s Trash…
I went to a Motel 6
To a room filled with 8 lamps.
It seemed to me a haven
For only travelers and tramps.
Yet that Motel 6 I thought had been
Summed up as “dim and blah”
Was, to the moths that shared the room
A sort of Shangri La.
Filed under Poems
The Hero We Deserve
I hope somewhere there is a bat
Who’s terrified of men
Who flew off to train with ninjas
And (insert syllables here) then
He became a vigilante
Fighting crime and stuff like that.
He holes up in his man cave
Because he’s called Manbat.
He wears a man-shaped costume
With a cape that’s shaped like fat.
The drives his manmobile badly
Because he is a bat.
I want this very badly
Mostly ’cause of the “man cave” pun.
His sidekick is called Flamingo
And yes, this poem is done.
Filed under Poems
Cautionary Tale
A visitor had phone sex
With a couple of hotel maids.
He thought he couldn’t get an STD
But now he has hearing aids.
Filed under Poems
Pictionary
I drew a little stickman
Sitting in a tree
Holding a banana
And my friend said “Chimpanzee.”
I made the stickman hairier
And made his muscles big
And made his nose look stubby
And my friend said “Chimpanzee?”
I made stickman hold a lady
And stand on a skyscraper
And the light in my friend’s eyes turned on
And he said “Big chimpanzee.”
Then I pointed at the picture
And gestured for a while,
Drew the same picture again
And my friend began to smile
And as the sand fell from the timer
He sat up straight and tall
And said “That is Godzilla,”
So I threw him through a wall.
Filed under Poems
What Do You Want For Dinner?
If there were a food
Whose taste was so divine
To eat it made you orgasm
In an instant forty times,
That not only set your loins alight
But set your heart afire,
A food so good it’s better than
Hearing Taylor Swift retire,
And that this oh-so-perfect food
Can be grown nearly for free,
Can be cooked in 19 seconds
And cures world hunger instantly,
Is the most positive thing in the universe,
Like -1 times the all-time worst
Your girlfriend would whine about it
If you suggested to eat it first.
Filed under Poems
A Bouquet Of Wallflowers
My bedroom, how graceful
The comfort it brings me.
The light through the window
Shines down from above,
And in shadows dancing
On white walls beside me
I find solace in the silence,
Alone with my love.
I remember old friendships,
The names so long forgotten,
Imagine the knowing glances
From one yonder dove,
Then flick on my TV
And lean back among the shadows,
In comfort with my companion,
My bedroom, my love.
Now not ten feet beyond it
A house, warm and welcome, beckons.
It bids me to come explore it,
Partake of its food,
And deep in my spirit
The call echoes deep within me,
But I’d have to do some laundry
And I’m not in the mood,
So I recline ever gently
My blanket’s my body’s glove,
And spend more exotic moments
In the bedroom I love.
At 8:00 my phone’s alarm clock
Plays “Ih, What a Wonderful World.”
I listen intently
To Louis Armstrong’s voice.
I see skies of blue,
White clouds, dark and sacred nights,
And see also comfy pillows
And soon make my choice.
And though I’m unemployed now
And probably approaching my doom
These words they will write on my tomb:
“His bedroom he loved.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 