If your Weiner is white
Or your Weiner is black
You’ll be alright.
I’ll cut you some slack;
If your Weiner is red
Or your Weiner is yellow
You might have a problem.
But I know a fellow!
Filed under Poems
Whenever I start hating humans
I remember that someone created
A cup that spins knives in the bottom
That cut food as its electrically gyrated
And it makes a smooth mixture of flavors
From fruits, sugar, protein, et cetera.
Sure, some people still put veggies in
But it still makes you feel better, huh?
Filed under Poems
With the recent rise of terrorism
And assassination attempts, please
Remember it was Robert Selander (Mastercard CEO)
Who invented “Convenience Fees”.
Filed under Poems
In the near future, diversity quotas
Will become even harder to fill
So job interviewers will have to start meetings
With, “Hey, so I see you are Bill
“But if you’ll let us call you Simone during work
“And you’ll say that your pronouns are ‘they’
“Then we’re happy to call you our newest employee.
“Otherwise, have a very nice day.”
Filed under Poems
Today I went back to work
And I had an amazing day
That was absolutely fantastic
In every single way!
I got paid well and my colleagues
Are fine, upstanding folks
And I’m sharing this with you
So I don’t get fired for writing jokes.
Filed under Poems
My wife is ultradorable
And superfect as well.
I think she’s megawesome
And my only fear is she’ll
Come home with a horse one day
That she was drunkenjoying
Because, although she’s gigamazing,
She can be equestriannoying.
Filed under Poems
This year was wild and crazy
And I was indulgent and lazy.
This year I’ll endeavor
To sleep more than ever
And get rich like Martin Scorsese.
Filed under Poems
There are two days of the year
Where fireworks and beer
Are acceptable for neighbors to abuse
And yet some neighbors (ours)
Must be from Venus instead of Mars
Because tonight’s the night they picked to light the fuse…
Filed under Poems
Two days left to go
Of this wild and crazy year…
Peaceful at the gym
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 