Our market research team said
Flavors that combine two fruity flavors
Like “strawberry-kiwi” and “lemon-lime”
Are massive money savers.
They asked us all to pick a pair
Of fruity tastes to try.
I suggested “date-grape”
And now I’m fired. They won’t say why…
Filed under Poems
Today it was Christmas
And Christmas was done.
This poem is only smaller
Than my desire to go for a run.
Filed under Poems
The trees are all decked
With ornaments grand,
The stockings are stuffed
And the peaches are canned,
The sweatshirts are laundered
And the clouds are thundering
And the ointment is working
In case you were wondering.
Filed under Poems
Tomorrow is Christmas eve
And today’s the 16th day of Chanukah.
I am six years old today
And you bought me a harmonica!
Filed under Poems
Jingle bells on a reindeer’s chest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
A long night ahead with not much rest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
The elves made toys
For good girls and boys
But what the kids today enjoy’s
An iThingy
In 4k HD
With a USB
And a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Nine deer flew but just six came back
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Three collapsed ‘neath the Chinese sack
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Chimneyless homes
With their bulletproof domes
Are wherever he roams
Gluten free cookie lasses
Left him soy milk glasses
Which make him pass gasses
So a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Fifteen elves still employed at best
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Xi Jinping gone outsourced the rest
So its ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Filed under Poems
All kids get trophies
And generals get medals
And the commander in chief asks
“Why don’t wheelchairs have pedals?”
Filed under Poems
So explain to me again
How that word in your song
Is acceptable in rap
But if I say it, it’s wrong?
But if I say that word
With “vi” at the beginning
It’s no longer offensive
And the world just keeps on spinning?
Filed under Poems
If you’re in a creative slump
With no ideas at all
Recall the Christmas ornament guy
Who said, “How ‘bout a ball?”
Filed under Poems
Lovely bowl of fuchsia punch
On a granite countertop
Beside a vibrant floral bunch
And someone’s shouting “stop”
As my purebred chocolate lab
Puts Olympians to shame
And crash! They’re calling me a cab
And saying I’m to blame…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 