To the victor go the spoils,
The diamonds and the oils,
The right to raise a flag above
A world that’s not their own.
To the losers, the defeated,
Goes an anger ever-heated,
Simmering for generations
Within each descendant’s bone.
To the watchers, the supporters,
Pulling strings and giving orders
Goes a power of oppression
And, with it, endless pain.
To the peaceful, to the no one,
Goes the best life in the long run,
Remembered in the darkness
Which always will remain.
Filed under Poems
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I put as much effort into this poem
As the Game of Thrones writers would’ve.
Filed under Poems
Thanks for calling IRS
We’re pleased to take your call.
We’ll be with you shortly
In almost no time at all.
Today’s call volume’s low
So you’ll likely only wait
Until the next December
Or the climax of your fate.
In the meantime please relax
And find something to do.
Our agents are quite busy
Making life feel hard for you.
We would like to help you
And help we probably could
But, by law, we are forbidden
To do anything good.
We know you are unhappy
And we know we’ve caused you stress.
Here’s some tax-funded Muzak.
Thanks for calling IRS.
Filed under Poems
I don’t call you “sir” ’cause I hate you.
I don’t call you “ma’am” to be a bigot.
I use words 99.4 percent of people
Will prefer to be called. Can you dig it?
Filed under Poems
If you weigh 400 pounds
And sit beside me on a plane
I do not hate you as a person
But I still think you’re a pain.
If you say “fuck” like girls say “like”
And I am with my 6-year-old
I do not hate you as a person
But I hope you die before you’re old.
If you blast rap at 1:00 AM
And I wake up for work at 5:00
I do not hate you as a person
But I do wish you were not alive.
If you recast my favorite film
And the final movie turns out bad
I do not hate the cast or crew
But the fact remains I feel sad,
So if my feeling isn’t yours
‘Cause you are you and I am me
It doesn’t mean I hate your guts;
I dislike you with empathy.
Filed under Poems
I spent lots of oguiya
To buy a crwths
So I could perform a euouae.
If you think this is nonsense
But I know better…
I’ve read the Scrabble dictionary. Hooray!
Filed under Poems
In the news: 007 is a black lady
And a million people attack area 51.
Neither endeavor is likely to succeed
But at least “Seein’ dem aliens” will be fun.
Filed under Poems
Some say poetry is crap.
Others call it art.
Nobody liked my soccer poem
And I’d call that a very good start!
Filed under Poems
“Everyone loves our movies”
Said the Disney corporation
As they embarked on making
Their next live-action adaptation.
“The only problem I can see”
Said a modern movie buff
“Is that your previous films
“Don’t hate straight white men enough.”
And so the Disney corporation
Began to turn away
Anyone who wasn’t brown
Or female or gay.
Now the Disney corporation
Isn’t evil, FYI
Despite their CEO Bob Iger
Being an old cis-hetero white guy.
We know he isn’t evil
And his movies aren’t trash
‘Cause anti-white discrimination
Is what brings Disney their cash
And money, after all,
Is what makes the world go round.
(Also, you know who to blame
If I go missing and am never found).
Filed under Poems
Some people with a time machine
Would cure diseases in the past,
Kill Hitler as a baby
To stop the Jews from being gassed,
See what dinosaurs were like
Or build the pyramids.
Some would travel back in time
To relive being kids.
If I had a time machine
I’d go to a monastery
Where people sang Gregorian chant
With ye olde Tomme, Dicke, and Harrye
And play the drum and violin parts
To the Halo menu song.
Some people would go to the future
To cure cancer, but they’re wrong.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 