We haven’t had apocalypse yet
In this world in which we thrive.
We don’t fear the undead
For we are the un-alive.
We don’t need no fallout
To keep us inside all day long
And everyone is perfect
Except the half of us who’re wrong.
Food is not a luxury
(Except for homeless folks)
And only half our news today
Is a cruel, ignoble hoax.
So I hope you feel safe
As you stroll a corpseless street
Because, while life is kinda hard,
You aren’t yet a zombie’s treat
Filed under Poems
You’re unhygienic,
Ill-tempered and mean.
You’re perhaps the worst tipper
That I’ve ever seen.
Your humor is childish.
Your language is coarse.
You’ve the breath of a dog
And the face of a horse.
You burned down my house,
Ran away with my wife,
Destroyed everything happy
I had in my life.
You’ve made far more enemies
Than you’ve made amends
But I’m white and you’re black
So I’ll say that we’re friends.
Filed under Poems
“Let he who is without fault
Cast the first stone.”
-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners
“Just because my path is different
“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”
-Traditional Male Excuse
“Even though I walk
“Through the darkest valley
“I will fear no evil
“For you are with me.”
-Man With Concealed Handgun License
“Faith can move mountains.”
-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother
“There’s something about a woman
“With a loud mind
“Who sits in silence, smiling
“Knowing she can crush you
“With the truth.”
-Some hoe, probably
Filed under Uncategorized
He stood on the granite cliff
Screaming hoarsely
Over the roaring black ocean.
From one of the shores beyond
An echo returned to him:
“Citygal17498 has blocked you.”
But mostly there was silence.
Filed under Poems
If you’re the type of fancy guy
Who calls pink things “magenta”
Then I can cook you up a bowl
Of “Fancy-Guy Polenta.”
But if you’re the type of guy
Who shoots and drinks and spits
I’ll fry it up for half the price
And call it “Good Ol’ Grits.”
Filed under Poems
“My wife needs more pillows.”
“That mullet looks great!”
“Soccer’s exciting.”
“The world needs more hate.”
“Pink armpit hair’s hot.”
“I got a job with my arts degree.”
“I wish that I had gotten caught.”
“I really, super don’t have to pee.”
“I really hate inner tubes.”
“That was a great United flight.”
“She’d look better with smaller boobs.”
“The valedictorian’s getting laid tonight!”
Filed under Poems
Sometimes I watch the Stars and Stripes,
The symbol of American rule of law
And wonder who first thought “Hey!
“That would look good as a bra!”
Filed under Poems
Bigger is better in terms of pianos,
4×4’s, salaries, and dicks.
But smaller is better in the eyes of go-getters
When it comes to the waist size of chicks.
——————————————————–
Bigger is better, the man would insist
When it comes to masculine stuff
Because those said men have never had things
That were, in our eyes, big enough.
Filed under Poems
Poems are like people
By which I mean to say
Occasionally you laugh at them
But also wish they’d go away.
Filed under Poems
Just because a wise man said it
Doesn’t make it wise.
A wise man says “No bacon for me,”
But, plot twist! He eventually dies.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 