If you’re on the corporate ladder
And you want to climb a rung
I suggest not being the guy
Who suggested the spelling of “Tongue”
Tag Archives: Weird
Poems from My Vacation 3 – Elevator Mullet Kid
Some folks take vacations
To get away from work,
But for one young man employment
Was instead a travel perk.
He spent all seven cruising days
Inside an elevator.
His parents said he shouldn’t be,
But he surprised them later
By pulling out the wads of cash
(Not tips – donations, see?)
Gifted to him by cruisers
On the Ovation of the Sea.
We never learned his name,
Or why he chose vacation there.
We only knew his silly grin
And even sillier hair.
So here’s to you, cruise mullet kid
Who helped us get around!
Whenever you turn 21
We’ll all buy you a round.
Filed under Poems
Dear Weirdos
To the girl with funny yellow shoes
And the deaf guy who would sign the blues:
I hope you never have to choose
Between yourself and “normal.”
To the folks who love their face tattoos
And the ones who never drink the booze:
I hope you never, ever lose
Conviction just to be formal.
To the historians and dreamers,
The philosophers and schemers,
The poets and the memers
And the “just-plain-downright-odd”s:
I hope you never lose the spark
To make a name or leave a mark
Because few of us can parallel park
And fewer still are gods.
Filed under Poems
The Little Things
You know when you’re eating the pasta
That’s shaped liked a little wheat shell
And they stick on your tongue while you eat them
And you feel like the whole world is well?
Or how ‘bout when you’re dehydrated
And your pee is all yellow and bright
And the pee-water gets kinda cloudy
And you flush and it all feels alright?
I like that just-popped-a-zit feeling
And that “earwax is washed away” calm.
It’s just me? That may be, but I’m hoping
You find your own commonplace balm.
Filed under Poems
Shower Thoughts
What if we’re all identical twins
But, when we’re born, the nurse
Gets out an ultra-mega laser
And sets it to “reverse”
And our baby brain goes back in time
To when everyone was biologically unique
And we grow up thinking we’re special
Until the Invisible Ones start to speak?
Filed under Poems
The Power Of Comparison
If you ask guests at a restaurant
“Would you like to try the lamb?”
They might say “yes”, or maybe “no”,
Or “I don’t give a damn.”
But if you ask those same guests
If they prefer starfish tartar
You’ll find them much more likely
To prefer the lamb by far.
Filed under Poems
My Inner Child Is Sitting Down, But All The Other Inner Children Are Standing Up And Moving
Sammeeches are yummiyums
And cheekens good in bellies
And I like grapes and appleswoss
And chocolate-caramellies.
I can eat twenty tootsie rollups
And an asparagoos stawck as well.
I’m a master of munching and yummiyums
But not twalking or nowing how to spell.
Filed under Poems
Still Better Than The Crap You Read In High School
I was sick of using imagination
So I Googled “Poetry Inspiration”.
The website said “Write a poem about
“Blue sand and red crabs.”
Thus: Two crabs, clad in vermillion
Brought in cash about a million
And they bought the really good stuff
That they make in science labs.
They cut it with their claws
And broke like fifty laws
But by the end their point of view
Was “Drugs are good and sand is blue”.
Filed under Poems
When Your Wife Meets The Minotaur And Has To Give Birth In An Echoey Cave
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb
Little lamb…
Mary had a little lamb
And the obstetrician fainted
Fainted
Fainted…
Filed under Poems
I Hope I Never Have To Read This Poem Out Loud
For every book ever written
And every food ever bitten
There’s that one guy who is not admittin’
He doesn’t know how to pronounce the word “chitin”.
Filed under Poems
