If “baby” is an infant
And “baby” means a loved one
And “baby” is taking care of people
And “baby” is an easily-offended someone
Then the act of taking care of
A weak beloved child
Is to baby your baby baby baby
And baby, I think that’s wild!
Tag Archives: Weird
Finally Some Recognition!
‘Twas the day after Easter
And the kids were off school
Eating copious sugar
And emitting much drool
When a rabbit emerged
And said “Sorry I’m late!”
Then he hid eggs all over
And hopped over the gate.
The children tried chasing,
But bunnies are fast…
Then it dawned on a child
Who whispered at last
“If the bunny came here
“Today, who was that
“Who brought candy yesterday?”
Thus smiled the Easter Rat.
Filed under Poems
And If She’s A Snail, We Might Go Back To Her Place
If I met an invertebrate
I’d probably try to flirt a bit.
I’d say “You look fine”
“With your lack of a spine“
Then possibly lift up her skirt a bit.
Filed under Poems
How Kids Tell Stories
‘Twas a Wednesday like any other
Except the part where mother
Put our pet fish in a tank
And then the army came
To get their tank back
And also the part with the lizards…
My favorite color is orange.
Attack of the Alabaster Basil from the planet Flaccidpookum (Or Why Originality Is Not As Important As You Think)
It was a normal day in the white house,
Or so President Smellingsalt thought…
Until the sky opened and blood rained down
Like the street corner prophets were taught
And a sprig of an herb, aromatic and pale
Smote the Earth and declared “I’m your master!”
And the humans proclaimed, “Oh no! What the heck!
“It’s basil that’s somehow Alabaster!”
And the basil proclaimed from celestial height
“Yes, people of Earth. Your statement is right!”
But what happened next to the humans did shook ‘em…
The basil declared “I am from Flaccidpookum!”
After that day life was largely the same
Except people drank a lot more hoppy beers.
The saddest part is this poem’s more original
Than anything Hollywood’s made for the past dozen years.
Filed under Poems
Milk Was Just The Beginning (The Grilled Cheese Sandwich Saga)
People are always joking
About how it weirds them out
That someone grabbed a cow’s udder
And drank what came out.
But I’m wondering who
Ground some wheat with a stone
Mixed it with milk and bacteria
Then left it alone
Before heating it up
To 300 degrees
And then frying it up
With some butter and cheese…
Filed under Poems
Bachelorette Parties Just Keep Getting Weirder…
They make elbow pasta,
Bow ties and angel hair,
But I think they should make a noodle
For guys who have a pair:
A noodle like the balls that hang
Behind your pickup truck…
(It was at this point my girlfriend said
I’m already in luck).
Filed under Poems
A True Hunter’s End
I was a monster hunter
In a past life, but alas
I was reincarnated
As a big-mouth billy bass
And instead of hunting demons,
Slaying dragons and the like
I sing “Take me to the river”
To a naked guy named “Spike.”
It wasn’t quite the future
I imagined when I fell.
I did not find Valhalla
But a special sort of Hell.
But in between my bursts of song
And bobbing of my head
I dream of where I’ll be reborn
When next I’m stricken dead…
Filed under Poems
Apparently “Oline” Makes Things Less Amusing
God has a sense of humor.
Ask me how I know!
I see proof in everything,
Like how the falling snow
Looks like the Millennium Falcon
Even before it was a thing,
Or how when we eat too much
Our butts spontaneously sing.
I like that sense of humor,
But one thing I don’t find funny
Is how, when I fart, my gas is free
But I still pay for gas with money.
Filed under Poems
Fair Retails Before Bed
Once there was a tired gent.
To bed went he; To sleep he went.
The other folks said “Mama Mia!”
For the bed he went was in Ikea.
Filed under Poems
