I read an article today
That said a woman’s voice
Will rise in pitch if she likes you…
It’s subconscious, not a choice.
I called my female contacts
To test the theory via phones.
I enjoyed a pleasant afternoon
With the voice of James Earl Jones.
Tag Archives: Women
Literal Dream Girl
She’s happier than Finland
And classier than France.
She wears a pair of ballet flats
But doesn’t like to dance.
She’s prettier than actresses
But doesn’t care for fame
And her love for me lasts longer
Than a perfect Tetris game.
She cooks better than Emeril
And sings better than Cher.
She thinks the latest Star Trek film
Was “adequate to fair.”
She’s quieter than silence
And daintier than mist.
The only problem I can see
Is she does not exist.
Filed under Poems
Princess Fatigue
Ask any man “Would you marry?”
And the man will most-likely say “Sure.”
He’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days
To announce his commitment to her.
Ask any girl “Would you marry?”
And she’ll smile and say “Yes” with glee.
“And he’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days
“To announce his commitment to me!”
…Or Girls In General, For That Matter
“The devil plays the violin,
The instrument of mortal sin.”
I told her this, then said hello.
#How to not pick up girls who play cello
Filed under Poems
The Nose Ring Origin Story?
I wonder who first got the notion
That to enhance one’s beauty and grace
And inspire mens’ loving devotion
They should stick some hardware in their face.
Filed under Poems
Female Sexuality And Privilege In The Fruit-Curing Industry
If I were to pick a peck of pickled peppers
Peter Piper’d have a bone to pick with me?
But if I gave Ol’ Pete a peck
He’d want to bone, ’cause “what the heck”
And I needn’t pay the Piper… He’d pay me!
Filed under Poems
Marriage
As the lovers grew older
Much to the wife’s delight
Her husband looked much like Sean Connery.
The husband didn’t say it
(For he didn’t want a fight)
But he couldn’t help but think it: So did she.
Filed under Poems
False-Rape Culture
The marriage rate is going down
And many tears are falling.
The good men left and left behind
Some eyes bloodshot from bawling.
Men no longer mentor
Any women that they pay
Because they fear the power
Of what said women might say
And smart men will no longer talk
To strangers in a skirt
‘Cause they’re one false “j’accuse” away
From sleeping in the dirt.
Cats think that this circumstance
Is surely heavensent:
They live with 30-something women
Whose exes pay the rent.
Meanwhile the men rebuild themselves
From fighters into monks
And leave the chasing women
To the inner-city punks.
The West now walks on eggshells.
There is no doubt about it:
The feminists have made their beds
And now they lie about it.
Filed under Poems
Meanwhile Men Just Sit, Kill Animals In Silence, And Love One Another
If you look I think you’ll find
That women are mean to their own kind:
They’ll criticize you if you’re pretty.
They’ll be mean if you look shitty.
They’ll tease you if they can’t see your butt
But if they can then you’re a slut.
They’ll mock you if you’ve got one pal, though
If you are popular they’ll call you shallow.
They’ll fill your life with only hate
But I’m a man. How ’bout a date?
Filed under Poems
…Until The Courtyard In Question Turns Thirty, The Biological Clock Kicks In, And It Settles For The Secure-But-Unexciting Wall
I was a brick wall. So secure
There was nothing I could not endure,
Yet, while I’m safe in a fire
She wanted barbed wire
‘Cause “Barbed Wire is hotter for sure.”
Filed under Poems
