I want a furry turtle
That will snuggle me in bed
With a leopard-patterned belly
And a capybara’s head,
Thats softer than a kitten
And convenient as a fish
That’s 6-feet plus and makes $100k…
Is that too much to wish?
Tag Archives: Women
Superhero Anthem?
A figure flies along the streets
Of a city, black and grey,
Equipped with special armaments
With which to hunt her prey.
Her foes are public enemies
Called apathy and fear.
She strikes them down with not a frown
But a flash of wit and cheer.
Her only superpower
Is a total lack of worry
With which she slays uncertainty
In one most epic flurry!
Who is this maid of mystery
And what can she not do?
We cannot know for certain
But I hope she might be you!
Filed under Poems
Dating In The Country Be Like…
I hear her dad has fewer teeth
Than guns hung on his walls…
I heard her seven brothers
Got among ’em 19 balls…
I’ve heard her mom got famous
As a former L.A. Ram…
But I heard she ain’t got no beard
So I don’t give a damn!
Filed under Poems
Both are Mostly Empty…
“Airhead’s an offensive term,”
Said my girlfriend of 30 days.
I said, “Sorry, didn’t know.”
Now I call her “Bag of Lays.”
Filed under Poems
Adventures With Lucy
Lucy says “Heyy”
As she walks in the door
With a light in her eyes
And her eyes on the floor.
She’s looking for victims
That she can make smile
For she’s also not had
Such a grin for a while.
Lucy’s confused;
She’s alone in the crowd,
Her world always quiet,
Her mind always loud.
She hasn’t found love
In a box on a shelf
But she’s never been told
To bring joy to herself,
And so she goes hunting
A surrogate soul
And she uses her vigor
To make her prey whole,
To make someone laugh
And to make a face gleam
Like the paint on her visage
She hopes makes her seem.
Some think her a clown;
Some think her a doll.
What she fears is being
Not thought of at all,
To be seen as convenient,
Someone’s future “his.”
She fears being seen as
What she fears she is.
She’s found her next target!
She gives them her charm
With a flower in her hair
And the game on her arm,
One of the next many
Whose lives she will brighten,
Whose fears she’ll erase
And whose burdens she’ll lighten.
Someday she’ll look up
And she’ll see the sun set
And her mind will be calm
And her needs will be met;
She’ll live as she dreams
When she comes to someday.
Until then she’ll walk in
And tell someone, “Heyy.”
Filed under Poems
The Debate Is Over
Childbirth is painful for women
And ball-kickage is painful for men
But after it’s done only one
Waits teo years, then says “Do it again!”
Filed under Poems
Hot and Cold
I watched her eat the popsicle
With long and sultry licks.
Her eyes met mine and so she threw
A nibble in the mix.
She slid it in and out again
‘Til it got soft and warm
And then she killed its family
And I left the women’s dorm.
Filed under Poems
Thus Endeth The Renaissance
Her hobbies are dressing provocatively
Then adding a dog’s nose and ears,
Posting pictures of asses to inspire the masses
That love’s always stronger than fears.
My hobbies are murdering aliens
And playing professional ball,
Though I sometimes relax by swinging an ax
And sometimes by catching ’em all.
Filed under Poems
Sacrifice
She had wavy golden hair
That fell below her knees
The color of the summer sun
And lighter than a breeze.
She cut it when we married,
Though it was at my behest:
The hair would have been lovely
If it weren’t on her chest.
Filed under Poems
Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
That dress is fine
For cosplaying Shamu.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 