There once was a buck from Melrose
Who smelled something sweet with his nose.
His friends said “That crap’ll
“Most oft be an apple.
“Forget it. Let’s go out and win does.”
Category Archives: Poems
That Went Whale…
There once was a lovely young seal
Who captured my sea-mammal heart.
She had an adorable squeal
That made all my fantasies start.
I asked her to go for a drink with me
At a hip new place called “Chez Rubbing”.
But I scared her away. I’d forgotten
That seal babes aren’t fans of clubbing.
Filed under Poems
Great Historical Figures Deserve Better Than This, But I Wrote It Anyway
There once was a mom from Calcutta
Who was sweeter than suga or butta.
Even she had no mercy
For those born in Jersey
So Jersey boys pray to King Tutta.
Filed under Poems
The Taste Of Home
For every sandwich ever made,
For every stand with lemonade,
For every pizza baked at home
In Tuscaloosa or in Rome,
For all the cream we ever whipped,
All the coffee ever sipped,
I dedicate this meal for you:
Gummy worm salad and “mystery” stew.
Filed under Poems
This Is Why Nobody Bought My Bond Script
Yesterday is faded;
Tomorrow will never come.
Both of these also apply
When I describe your mum.
Filed under Poems
I’m Like Mario, But Not As Famous Or Italian Or As Irrationally Compelled To Hit My Head On Boxes
Today my shower broke
And it sprayed everywhere.
The hose that moved the water
Had ripped a mighty tear
So I went to Home Depot
And bought a fixy thing
With a non-torn doohickey
And an intact rubber ring.
I screwed it on the spiggot
Where the water starts to pour
But with the new doohickey
The flow’s not limited anymore
And it makes an awesome shower,
Like emptying ten semi trucks
Full of water. One more reason
Why life in California sucks!
Filed under Poems
A True Hunter’s End
I was a monster hunter
In a past life, but alas
I was reincarnated
As a big-mouth billy bass
And instead of hunting demons,
Slaying dragons and the like
I sing “Take me to the river”
To a naked guy named “Spike.”
It wasn’t quite the future
I imagined when I fell.
I did not find Valhalla
But a special sort of Hell.
But in between my bursts of song
And bobbing of my head
I dream of where I’ll be reborn
When next I’m stricken dead…
Filed under Poems
Thursday Night Football
There once were some Illinois Bears
Who played the ex-redskins by O’hare.
They punted and punted
And punted and punted
And who the heck actually cares?
Filed under Poems
Art School Pays Off
Today I drew a cat.
Everyone said “Nice pig.”
They recognized it was an animal
Which, progress-wise, I think is big!
Filed under Poems
October
Giant peaks of scarlet leaves
Mixed with auburn, amber, gold
Summoning the child within
To leap in, safe from autumns’s cold.
Into the fallen leaves in hues
Of flame and fortune children fly
And gentle wind, October’s whisper,
Seays so gently from the sky.
Hours after laughter leaves
The leaves themselves, scattered, wild,
Echo of the past adventures
Of literal and inner child.
Pumpkin pie and jokes await
‘Til snow fulfills poor Autumn’s fate.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 