Sometimes I wonder if the gods
Are playing “Fantasy Earth,”
Which is just like fantasy football
But for those of divine birth.
I like to think that up above
Something that’s divine
Is checking out my karma stat
And knowing that I’m fine.
Divine intervention
Might influence your fate,
But it’s just a way to win the league
For a thunder god named Nate.
So here’s to being MVP
If things don’t go amiss.
I really hope I don’t get benched
For having written this.
Filed under Poems
Have you heard of zen archery,
Where you shoot straight and narrow
By using all your strength of will
Until you become the arrow?
I used that logic on my roommate
And got him really pissed.
Alas, he’s no zen archer
‘Cause somehow he still missed.
Filed under Poems
If you’re a pretty single woman
But don’t have time to flirt,
Try sticking metal in your face.
Some shrapnel wouldn’t hurt.
And if by chance you’re male
And want metal in your head,
Save yourself some money
And use a shotgun instead.
Filed under Poems
I met some illiterate mutes
Who knew how the universe works,
But they wouldn’t tell me or write it down.
What a bunch of jerks!
Filed under Poems
If I had a lot of money
I would make the world a little more funny.
If I had a lot of money
I would create scholarships
For “liberal studies” majors,
Because the world needs more jokes.
If I had a lot of money
I would buy a TV station
And have it play “Groundhog Day”
On repeat forever, because irony.
If I had a lot of money
I would buy all the yachts
And rename them after penis puns
Then sell them back to their original owners,
But only the ones who didn’t laugh
Because rich people who don’t laugh at penis puns
Are the reasons I write poems like this in the first place.
If I had a lot of money
I would apologize to the liberal studies majors
But only because I prefer a leafless pool.
If I had a lot of money
I would eat really well,
But never what was on the menu
And always something with lots of cinnamon
Because cinnamon farming is hard work
And those guys deserve support,
But also because I really like cinnamon.
If I had a lot of money
I would defund the space program
And put that money into teleportation research
Because seriously people, priorities!
If I had a lot of money
I would roll in my money,
But only the paper bills
And only once,
And whenever I paid people with that money
I would look sheepish
Because my paper money was all wrinkled
And because I’m a nice guy
Despite having a lot of money
And because I kind of look like a sheep.
If I had a lot of money
It would be because people bought my books.
Just sayin’.
If I had a lot of money
I wouldn’t have a fancy car
Because women already like me plenty
And to show my support for teleportation research.
If I had a lot of money
I would have a dog named cinnamon
And a yacht named “Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the D.”
If I had a lot of money
I would have so much money
That money could buy me love.
I’d buy love for all the people I’ve hurt
With my poetry these last few years
And for the liberal studies majors
Who aren’t going to find it any other way.
If I had a lot of money
I would be very rich.
Until then, I’m voting Bernie Sanders.
Filed under Poems
I wear a pair of rubber gloves
When I do the dishes.
I wear a napkin on my lap
When I’m eating fishes.
I wear a suit with leather shoes
When I’m feeling dapper,
So why can’t I dress like a clown
When I’m on the crapper?
I watched a football game today,
Played a concert with my friends,
And changed the oil in my truck,
And with that this poem ends.
Filed under Poems
I feel obliged to be spooky
But I’m not feeling it.
I have un-made-up skin
And don’t feel like peeling it.
I’m uncostumed by choice,
Though I looked on Pinterest
Through costume ideas
That held no interest.
There are monsters and witches
And women in lingerie
With animal ears.
What a menagerie!
And I’m challenging passerby
With my sleepy stare
To guess who I am,
Even though I don’t care.
People set bonfires
And dance ’round my home,
And I’m sleeping and hoping
They don’t steal my gnome.
Maybe I’ll get wild
And be less of a lump
With a low budget movie
That will make me jump.
And then come the children
In a sweet-craving mob.
There are 600 Elsa’s
And one I think is The Blob.
There’s Spiderman, Ironman,
And a beast with six legs,
And some orange jumpsuited kids
Delivering eggs.
And then its all over
And the kids go away.
The fast-food workers party
And I guess pagans pray.
I’ve done my part
To keep dentists employed.
Despite myself, this day
I somewhat enjoyed.
Filed under Poems
Instant food is great
Most bachelors would agree,
But that just seems a little too
American to me.
Now, I get that potatoes
Take a lot of time to cook.
Sometimes home cooked macaroni
Doesn’t have that chemical look.
Maybe you’re to tired
To take a cup of oats
And throw in some sugar and xanthan gum
And whatever else that floats.
So you buy a bag of chemicals
With natural oat flavor
And nuke it for 60 seconds
And for another 60, you savor.
To top it off, this overpriced
Tax on those who cannot cook
Has an old, white guy or store brand
To complete its flashy look.
Thus ends my rant on oatmeal
And the injustice derived therefrom.
Tomorrow, tune in again
For my rant on chewing gum!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 