Some people think that spending
Forty bucks a month or so
For exercising at a gym
Is just the way to go.
I think that cancelling the gym
Is the same as getting paid
Forty bucks a month to not
Work out. I’ve got it made!
Category Archives: Poems
Hunter’s Ted Talk
Remember when we were in grade school
And the winner of every fight
Wasn’t the guy who said “I have infinity”
But “I have infinity plus one”, right?
Well yesterday my boss said “You’re fired”
And I said “No, I’m infinity fired plus one”
And now I’m on the board of directors
And also the president’s son!
Filed under Poems
On Quality Time and Intrusive Thoughts
I’m sitting in my dining room
Eating a pomegranate
While my wife paints a model horse
On this most peaceful planet.
As I bite into the sweet
And sour seeds, I mull:
Is this how happy zombies feel
When they bite that perfect skull?
Filed under Poems
Take That, Nukes!
One upside of weak, nerdy young people
Is that they’ll probably invent Mjolnir
But because they’re so weak, they can’t lift it
And thus we have nothing to fear.
Filed under Poems
It’s Not About Doing It Right… It’s About Adapting!
There once was a criminal crew
Who knew precisely what to do.
They went on a heist
And their planning sufficed
And the film got an awful review.
Filed under Poems
Jacques Strap? (Comment A Better Title… I Dare You)
They called me “french-fry fingers”
‘Cause I’m just that bad at bowling.
See, oil gets all over the ball
After it starts a rolling.
Then it hits the bowling pins
And knocks down one or two.
Emotionally salty, physically oily,
And that’s why. Comprenez-vous?
Filed under Poems
What, You Expected A Point?
If a “house plant” is a thing
A “home tree” should be too,
As should a “duplex flower”
And “skyscraper bamboo.”
But perhaps my favorite combo
(The others are still great though)
Is either “Airbnb broccoli”
Or else “hovel tomato”.
On “Inciting Incidents”(Bonus Points If It Involves A Historical Artifact)
It doesn’t require much talent to be famous.
There really is near nothing to it
As long as you don’t care what they name us
And don’t care if you need to live through it.
Filed under Poems
Still Better Than The Crap You Read In High School
I was sick of using imagination
So I Googled “Poetry Inspiration”.
The website said “Write a poem about
“Blue sand and red crabs.”
Thus: Two crabs, clad in vermillion
Brought in cash about a million
And they bought the really good stuff
That they make in science labs.
They cut it with their claws
And broke like fifty laws
But by the end their point of view
Was “Drugs are good and sand is blue”.
Filed under Poems
The Dead Sea Scrolls Revealed!
In the Bible, there’s a gap
Of 18 years or thereabout
Between when Jesus was a boy
And when he’d grown all out.
I think he used those missing years
As an omnipotent adolescent
To turn the oceans into wine
Both still and effervescent.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 