Yes, I’m A White Male. Why Do You Ask?

There are as many guns as people

In the USA.

There are more rounds of ammo

Than people in history.

Yet you think murder will stop

If guns go away.

Your method of thinking…

Now that is a mystery!

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In. Case. They. Screwed. Up.

When. I. Read. Hai. Kus.

I. Read. Them. One. Syll. A. Ble.

At. A. Time. Don’t. You?

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One Man’s Trash…

I went to a Motel 6

To a room filled with 8 lamps.

It seemed to me a haven

For only travelers and tramps.

Yet that Motel 6 I thought had been

Summed up as “dim and blah”

Was, to the moths that shared the room

A sort of Shangri La.

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The Hero We Deserve

I hope somewhere there is a bat

Who’s terrified of men

Who flew off to train with ninjas

And (insert syllables here) then

He became a vigilante

Fighting crime and stuff like that.

He holes up in his man cave

Because he’s called Manbat.

He wears a man-shaped costume

With a cape that’s shaped like fat.

The drives his manmobile badly

Because he is a bat.

I want this very badly

Mostly ’cause of the “man cave” pun.

His sidekick is called Flamingo

And yes, this poem is done.

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Cautionary Tale

A visitor had phone sex

With a couple of hotel maids.

He thought he couldn’t get an STD

But now he has hearing aids.

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Pictionary

I drew a little stickman

Sitting in a tree

Holding a banana

And my friend said “Chimpanzee.”

I made the stickman hairier

And made his muscles big

And made his nose look stubby

And my friend said “Chimpanzee?”

I made stickman hold a lady

And stand on a skyscraper

And the light in my friend’s eyes turned on

And he said “Big chimpanzee.”

Then I pointed at the picture

And gestured for a while,

Drew the same picture again

And my friend began to smile

And as the sand fell from the timer

He sat up straight and tall

And said “That is Godzilla,”

So I threw him through a wall.

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What Do You Want For Dinner?

If there were a food

Whose taste was so divine

To eat it made you orgasm

In an instant forty times,

That not only set your loins alight

But set your heart afire,

A food so good it’s better than

Hearing Taylor Swift retire,

And that this oh-so-perfect food

Can be grown nearly for free,

Can be cooked in 19 seconds

And cures world hunger instantly,

Is the most positive thing in the universe,

Like -1 times the all-time worst

Your girlfriend would whine about it

If you suggested to eat it first.

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