Ten minutes ago, I offended myself.
Five minutes ago, I told you.
Now I’m writing one last time
And this time it’s to scold you…
One cannot offend one’s self,
So you must be to blame!
Were it not for other people
I’d have all the wealth and fame!
To apologize for hurting me
I’ll deign to let you grovel,
To beg forgiveness long enough
To fill a Tolstoy novel.
These gifts won’t make you virtuous
Or cleanse you of your sin
But I’m oppressed for being great
So let the praise begin!
Filed under Poems
Five minutes ago I published
Twelve lines of verse about
Proper ways to socialize
For those who had a doubt.
Sometimes when I do publish
Things of that ilk I see
That someone gets offended
But this time it was me.
I read my writing quickly,
The slowly read again,
Appalled by what I’d written
With my figurative pen.
I got so mad I punched myself
Then sued myself. Outrageous!
Stay six feet away from yourself;
Stupidity’s contagious!
Filed under Poems
If you say “Hi”
And get no reply
It could be no one heard you.
If you say “Hi”
And they say “Die”
It’s likely they’ve abjured you.
If you say “Hi”
And they ask “Why?”
Then now’s your time to talk,
And if, to “Hi”
They only sigh
Perhaps you’d better walk.
Filed under Poems
Moreso than drugs or heart disease,
Moreso than any tumor,
Most tragedies in life are caused
By lacking a sense of humor.
Filed under Poems
Today I protested protests
By going to the store,
Putting items in my cart
Which I did then pay for.
I then departed quietly
And went back to my house
Where I tweeted “Peace and love”
Before I beat my spouse.
Filed under Poems
I said, “Girl, you are fine.”
She said, “Boy, you’re adequate.”
After that things went alright
And basically, well, that was it.
Filed under Poems
Throughout history there are many stories of comedians, often called “Fools,” who wielded great political influence. These fools were gifted with a rare ability to communicate with idiots, which is why they were so often employed by politicians and autocrats.
Today I write not a poem, but a vague shout into the void. My hope is that, like the fools of old, an idiot will hear it and reconsider their position, if only for an instant; An instant is all gravity needs to move mountains.
A few days ago, two men experienced the worst days of their lives. George Floyd was executed without trial for the crime of cooperating with the police. Derek Chauvin, the executioner, was sentenced to the loss of ignorance and the knowledge of his own corruption.
For several days, numerous greater crimes were committed by those who deserved, but were not blessed with, Chauvin’s fate. These people gathered in cities across the nation to combat violence with violence, to protest an injustice against their neighbor by committing injustices against their neighbors.
I now write as an eager fool a few ideas I’ve pored over for all of 15 minutes in the shower, but consider to be true. If you share these ideals, share this message, that one fool shall join another (a phenomenon we’ve recently witnessed to be incredibly powerful). If you don’t, you have the opportunity to rid this fool of his foolish notions through the unlimited power of anonymous internet commenting.
My ideas are these:
A warrior’s enemy is not an opposing warrior, because their purpose is to create conflict. The warrior’s enemy is the peacemaker.
Hate of one thing does not fear hate of another, because their goals intertwine. Hate fears forgiveness.
A tragedy occurred because of heightened emotion, lack of empathy, abuse of power, and a failure to listen. Let us be the calm, empathetic, powerless listeners that tragedy fears.
You won’t have the satisfaction of feeling outraged. You won’t know the euphoria of feeling right. You won’t be noticed, acknowledged, interviewed, or appreciated…
It’s worth it.
Filed under To the Reader
If someone stomps a snail to death,
Then snails burn down a city,
Why is that conducive to
Making people think snails aren’t shitty?
Filed under Poems
I got licked by a dog,
Then I got licked by a cat,
Then I got licked by my uncle
But the Feds put an end to that.
Filed under Poems
Margaret died and stood by God
And looked on all there was:
An ageless, endless universe
With countless lives abuzz,
Singing songs that never stop
In perfect harmony
And Margaret said, “They must be sad
“To be there without me!”
Filed under Poems
