Money

Isn’t it funny

That we respect money

Although it is nothing but paper?

What I’d like to see

Is when someone like me

Realizes the loopholes of this caper.

 

It would only take one,

Buying a gift for someone,

To walk into the gift-buying store,

And hand out a bill

To the guy at the till,

And the checker asks “What is this for?”

 

“It’s money you see,”

Said a someone like me.

“Now you have to give me your stuff.”

“If that is a threat,

Out of my store you should get,”

Says the checker, and I don’t call his bluff.

 

But why would that man

In the store with the tan

Refuse to accept for his goods

This green piece of cash

That’s no better than trash

If, for instance, you’re stuck in the woods.

 

The answer to this

Is told by the myth

For children that’s called Peter Pan.

The weight money carries,

Just like “I do believe in fairies,”

Is imaginary, like a good movie by M. Night Shyamalan.

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Country Music

Well I live down in Texas ’cause I just can’t take

That California heat.

I go honky tonkin’ on Saturday night

With my two left feet.

My dog died last Tuesday, but I don’t mind,

I’ve got used to it.

And when it comes to tanning evenly, I had a chance

And I totally blew it!

 

I don’t say the F-bomb, I only say “Truck.”

I fish on the weekends and hunt for duck.

I like to ride horses, and stables I muck,

And if you don’t like women, then country songs suck.

 

Well this is the part in the song where I

Talk about a girl.

She’s generally half-dressed and wearin’ jewelry

Made out of mother-o’-pearl.

This is a bit of topic, but isn’t the mother of pearl

Just an oyster?

And while I sing about Jesus, I don’t sing about nuns

Or about their cloister.

 

I don’t say the F-bomb, I only say “Truck.”

I fish on the weekends and hunt for duck.

I like to ride horses, and stables I muck,

And if you don’t like women, then country songs suck.

 

Someone died of cancer,

Someone cheated on their man.

Someone rode on a choo-choo train

And ate food from a can.

I think I’m running out of

Half-decent cliches,

So Let’s sing the chorus one more time

Then we’ll go our separate ways!

 

I don’t say the F-bomb, I only say “Truck.”

I fish on the weekends and hunt for duck.

I like to ride horses, and stables I muck,

And if you don’t like women, then country songs suck.

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Love is:

In the woman’s mind:

 

Love begins as a dove:

It is quiet, sublime, and simple.

Love evolves.

It becomes an eagle:

It must be strong to survive, and often it becomes vicious.

Then love is the space shuttle:

There is no limit to where it can fly, and you will see new places the rest of your days.

 

In the man’s mind:

 

Love begin as  a rooster in the suburbs:

It is noisy, the main point is cock, and it alienates you from your friends.

Love evolves, sort of like a Pokemon.

It becomes a Chinese Restaurant:

Basically, cock is still being put in mouths, but you’re not sure if this is what you ordered.

And remember, love is like flatulence:

If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

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Thinking

What makes human beings

Different from those other beasts?

Some think it’s thinking.

 

This theory assumes

Other creatures cannot think.

While that might be true…

 

Humans also lack

This innate ability

That lets their brains think.

 

Here are examples:

People at four-way stop signs,

Rap, taxes, Denny’s.

 

 

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Good Morning Moon

Originally composed in 2012, this epic poem spans the bridge between treatise and children’s poetry.  It reveals to us our own ephemeral lifestyle of insults, mindlessness, depression, old ladies whispering “hush,” and the African tourism industry  Now, published for the first time, this masterpiece of modern literature, no, the definition of the future of art, is made accessible to the general public.  Also, the emperor’s new wardrobe has arrived).

 

Good morning room,

Good morning moon.

Why are you up in the day

You stupid buffoon?

 

Good morning chairs

Good morning bears.

Good morning kittens

And the hairballs they spittin’s.

 

Good morning clocks

And good morning socks.

And green eggs and ham rocks

In a box with a fox.

 

Good morning comb

And good morning brush.

I feel like a nobody…

My heart turns to mush.

(And something about an old lady

Whispering “Hush.”)

 

Good bye stars

And good bye air.

I’m going on vacation to somewhere in Zaire.

 

You get it, right?

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Heroes

You go out to the movies

To watch a giant screen,

Hoping to be entertained

By J-Lo or Charlie Sheen.

 

But what’s hot at the movies

Are Superheroes.  I must say

That I believe in real life.

We’re all heroes in our way.

 

According to the latest films

Batman was a wealthy man

Who was horribly afraid of bats.

By that logic, I’m Spiderman.

 

Superman came from the sky

And had a funny name (Kal-El).

So pilots named Shaniqua

Are super instead of lame (Well, well).

 

And when I started this poem

It seemed easier than it is.

So I’m leaving, to fix my wrinkly shirt,

‘Cause at the iron, man, I’m a whizz!

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A Simple Mission

If you died in one hundred days,

About you, what would people say?

I’ll keep it simple:  Is it good?

Have you been doing what you should?

 

And if you had that hundred days

And had the chance to change your ways,

What would you change about the world

Before your life did come unfurled?

 

Now go into the world with this:

A single goal which brings you bliss.

Now whether or not you’re going to die,

Carry out that goal.  And now, good bye.

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Interdependence Day

You are reading this poem

On a computer made by a man

Who lives in a manufactured house

Made by someone in Japan.

 

The house builder wouldn’t be able to get to work

Had his buggy not been fixed

By the buggy-fixer down the road

Who ate breakfast that was mixed

 

By the breakfast mixer Sally,

Who sat down on a chair

That was made in Alaska

By a guy who fought a bear.

 

What this ridiculous scenario

Is intended to point out

Is that if we were independent,

We would be without.

 

For to read this, thank the British

Who invented this alphabet.

When you go to the bathroom

Thank the guy who made your toilet.

 

And when you laugh or smile

In your everyday life,

Thank the person who made you happy.

With joy, the world is rife.

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The Best Part of Waking Up

I never drink Folgers,

And I’ll let you know why.

That slogan they say

Is a big stinkin’ lie!

 

No matter what model

They hire to promote

Their instant coffee,

The chance is remote…

 

That they’ll realize

The secret we keep:

The best part of waking up

Is going back to sleep!

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Birthday Poem (for my Sister)

Dear sister, on this special day,
That occurs in August instead of May,
You’re twenty-one! Yay oh yay!
And so I mean to simply say
Happy Birthday Katy!

You make you joyful when I’m sick,
And our shared gutter mindedness is quite slick.
I mean that in a good way, not like “ick.”
You get what I mean by that, ’cause your mind is quick.
Happy Birthday Katy!

Today you can have a gun or drink alcohol.
You want to do one of those, the other not at all.
This being on a blog, people will likely not comprehend the correct option, ’cause they’re not as smart as you. Not at all!
(And if my readers are mad at my rudeness or my long lines, I’ll take the fall).
Happy Birthday Katy!

And thus your birthday is immortalized by a travesty,
As was your full name by the hurricane that started with “Katri…”
This poem’s going downhill if you see what I see,
So I’ll sign off now. Thank you Sus-comma-Je!
Happy Birthday Katy!

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