Some may think it’s pretty neat,
But I just think its’s strange,
That there are people in the street
Protesting climate change,
Demanding that reality
Conform to how they view it
And thinking politicians
Have the tools with which to do it.
Meanwhile, folks RSVP’ed
To commit a federal crime
Via Facebook, storming Area 51.
(This stanza ends with a rhyme)
I think that this September
Is as dumb as a month can get,
But then I smile and remember…
It hasn’t ended yet.
Filed under Poems
“Black guys play the black card.”
That’s how white people said it
Before they made the Master Card
And gave themselves the credit.
*This poem contains no mention of American Express because I couldn’t think of a good “Underground Railroad” joke, and also no one uses American Express.
Filed under Poems
What you need to know about ducks
Is not as important as the fact
That every day a million fish
Are, by some birds, attacked.
Those fish cannot defend themselves
Against these violent birds
And it’s time for us to take a stand
And learn to use our words.
When I held political office
In a non-avian related capacity
I realized that my constituents
Viewed me as a guy with some sagacity.
Because of that, I make my case
That fish deserve love too
So vote for me in 2020
And also ducks. Thank you!
Filed under Poems
If their best player’s white
You’re not doing it right.
Filed under Poems
I was on a sailboat
With a democrat.
The water got bumpy;
She went overboard like that!
I threw her a rope to grab
And noticed she was frowning,
Probably offended
That I attacked her drowning.
Filed under Poems
I tried usin’ logic
On a lib’ral feller.
It was like throwin’ a flashbang
At Ms. Helen Keller.
Filed under Poems
At The Women’s March
When a man marches with a sign
That says “I love women”
He’s praised as an ally
To the feminist cause.
At The Straight Pride Parade
When a man marches with a sign
That says “I love women”
He’s called a neo-nazi homophobe,
And that gives me pause.
Filed under Poems
Back in the wee days of US of A
Some guys went a digging and one shouted “Hey!”
“I found me some gold!” “Oy, I found some too!”
Then guess what everyone wanted to do?
And so people came from all over the planet
To dig through the dirt and, with their eyes, scan it
For speckles and nuggets and loose bits of gold,
And some were successful, or so I’ve been told.
Now as the prospectors from far and near both
Were digging up gold, a woman did quoth:
“The men are all leaving to get rich or die,
“And thus we will join them because… you know why.”
And so California became quite the haven
For men who, for gold in the rivers, were slavin’.
Most folks were strike-outers, but some lucky strike-biggers
Wed the first Frisco lasses, the real gold-diggers.
The gender-neutral pronoun
In the english tongue is “he”
According to the Chicago Manual of Style.
A person on the internet
Disagreed with me.
He was a vegan 49ers fan named Kyle.
Filed under Poems
The Right
NASCAR is America’s favorite sport,
And know I think I know why:
They keep turning left over and over
Until they crash, burn, and die.
———————————————————–
The Left
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But the first guy does not understand:
If the drivers do not turn left fast enough
The kill random folks in the stands.
————————————————————
The Highly Intelligent
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But I prefer monster trucks.
At least we agree on the important stuff,
Which is to agree soccer sucks.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 