I can’t afford to pay a dominatrix.
Their fee is simply too high to abide,
So when I want to be whipped and degraded
I turn on the “check engine” light in my ride.
Tag Archives: Cars
Tesla? More Like Tes-lame! Am I Right?
In the high school for automobiles
No one likes the electric cars.
They don’t get invited to parties
And they aren’t the athletic stars.
Not even the nerds like the ‘lectrics
Because all the gas cars have colluded
To ensure what we’ve known all our lives:
That batteries aren’t included.
Filed under Poems
Birth, Youth, Life, Dying, Hell
To buy a shiny dump truck toy;
The dream of every little boy.
A loud and topless red machine;
The dream of every male teen.
A pickup and a minivan;
A father, yes, but still a man.
A growling beaut older than he;
A man who can no longer see.
An environmentally friendly car;
Wait, f*** that s***! You’ve gone too far!
Filed under Poems
A Midlife Crisis At Any Age
I bought a ‘57 Chevy
(Or what’s left of it, at least)
And I fixed it up so I
Could be a sexy beast.
I cruised it up and down the block
To pick up saucy chicks.
Alas, my ‘57 Chevy
Doesn’t hide that I’m 86.
Filed under Poems
Why I Don’t Work At Honda Anymore
I think a good name
For a model of car
Is “Starving African Child
“From Madagascar.”
The reason for this
I’d explain at a meeting:
One’s fast due to engines
And one fasts by not eating.
Filed under Poems
On Vehicular Abuse
On behalf of all the tires kicked,
The roofs slapped, the bumpers knicked,
The cars entered without consent
And sold by men with ill intent:
We confess that in the past
We used you and we moved too fast,
Judged you by color and age
And failed to pay you any wage.
Forgive we ask, and hear our pleas
To cars and trucks and SUVs,
And with your help we make this vow:
With you, we’ll go the right way now.
Filed under Poems
Car of Man, Car of Poet
He’s got a triple-axle
Turbo-powered 4×4
With a 12-liter v-20
And a carbon-fiber door.
It goes zero-to-sixty
In 1.72
And has a TV in the hood,
But me… My car is blue!
Filed under Poems
Poet Who Kicked Tires Hospitalized With Foot Injury
They said they found the car for me,
Right in my price range.
A week later I totaled it
When I got an oil change.
Filed under Poems
Now You Know Why!
I was a cock a huntin’
For a wily, free-range hen
I needed a set of wheels
That appealed to chicks, so then
I went to get a car loan
And I jumped through a hoop.
Now I’m clucking happy
Crossing the road in my chicken coupe.
Filed under Poems
Why The French Make Good High-Rollers
You may look real classy
In your souped-up chassis
And yet prove to be asses
When you read “chassis” as chasses.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 