All you have to do to be rich
Is take a home equity loan
Then invest in a diversified index fund
With an interest rate that makes you moan
Then wait thirty years as the market grows
And you’ll be in billionaire bliss!
That or just be good looking
And divorce someone who did this.
Filed under Poems
Another year, another home,
Another colored paper.
I’m not abused, merely unused;
A melancholy caper.
I’m passed around from town to town,
Each owner feigning cheer
To unwrap me with family
Each and every year.
I may have been a bestseller
That’s long since been forgotten
Or a perfume or a candle
That smells like something rotten,
A gidget, doodad, souvenir,
Or other miscellaneous crap.
I’m the gift you keep on giving.
See you next year! That’s a wrap.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the night before Monday,
The holiday’s end,
And the workers had finished
Their Black Friday spend.
Their cars were all parked
With their windshields frosted
And bellies were bulging
From turkeys accosted.
When all of a sudden
There came such a clatter
And the bosses were shocked,
Asking what was the matter
That caused half the workers
To all call in sick.
Was it coincident timing
Or some type of trick?
So the managers dialed
A flurry of phones
And said, “Hey how are you”
In indifferent tones
Before they proceeded
With the meat of their call:
“You must come in tomorrow
“Or not come back at all.”
And so all the workers
With debt growing daily
Said “Sure, see you Monday”
While giggling gaily.
Then the bosses drove off
To their villas, inspired.
Merry Monday to all!
Get to work or you’re fired!
Filed under Poems
You can’t assault the willing
Or rob the destitute.
You cannot kill the corpses
Or silence the already mute.
You can’t raze the fallen
Nor an existing travesty botch
So if you feel targeted
Maybe take it down a notch.
Ten years ago today
We saw a theatrical trailer
For what history may call
The biggest cinematic failure:
A lifeless Star Wars reboot
That exceeded our most cynical fears.
Now come back and read this poem
In another couple of years.
Filed under Poems
Today I taught a first-grade class
And of the 18 kids
Six were joys, six were invisible,
And six blew off their lids.
So one of three will be successful
And one in three will be cute
And one in three do nothing, but loudly
Which is just who the Feds will recruit.
Filed under Poems
Once, there were some evil kings
Who did a lot of evil things.
As times go, it was not pleasant.
Unfortunately, that time’s the present.
Filed under Poems
Only took three years
Of England having a king
To become evil…
Filed under Poems
I could park my truck
And walk up to the house
And place a package on the door
Or hand it to a spouse.
I also have the option
To relive my high school ways
And chuck a 40-yard touchdown
With whatever peasants buy these days…
Filed under Poems
My parents were trees;
I’m a cone that you step on
To make crackle sounds.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 