If I could be a goblin
A gremlin or a ghoul
I’d go to sleep at 3:00 AM
And never go to school.
I’d eat pancakes every day.
I’d be my own boss.
If I were a monster then
I might forget to floss.
My room would be all messy.
My hair would be a wreck.
I’d spend the morning mini-golfing
With the live-action cast of Shrek.
And then I’d murder someone
And get slaughtered by a knight.
Sure, I could be a goblin
But right now my life’s alright.
Filed under Poems
When I was a wee squire
I smelt dragon fire
Beneath the stables of the castle.
I considered heroics,
But chose not to show it.
It was simply too much of a hastle.
Filed under Poems
I’ve watched a lot of “movies”
That aren’t on IMDB.
They made delivering pizzas
Look like a pretty good job to me.
And indeed, I did get special requests
From my female clientele,
But mostly they’re “draw a pic on the box.”
That or “go to Hell.”
I tried to target neighborhoods
Where people cannot pay,
But mostly they’d just write a check
And send me on my way.
So I quit my job as a pizza guy
For I had been mislead.
Now I spend my afternoons
Cleaning swimming pools instead.
Filed under Poems
If I were a dinosaur
I’d be a stegosaurus.
I’d spend my time stargazing
And singing in a chorus.
And if predators mess with me,
With my tail, I’d resist,
‘Cause no one beats a stegosaurus
When steggy’s feeling pissed.
I’d eat some grass, then some more;
The destiny of an herbivore.
Then I’d be eaten when I’m old.
A fitting fate, so I was told.
And when I got lonely,
I’d go searching on Steg’s List
And remember my old Triceratops
And how it hurt when we kissed.
Filed under Poems
The blue sky was angry,
Perturbed and upset,
But black stormy clouds
The sky could not get.
They had all been reserved
For another date,
So the sky, though enraged,
Just had to wait.
It made gentle breezes
And bright, sunny beams;
Poor substitutes
For the sky’s mental screams.
Now very impatient,
Worn out and bereft,
All weather was halted
When the sky up and left.
Today it is rainy,
But I beg you, don’t cry:
It’s just the temp work
Of a substitute sky.
Filed under Poems
If money grew on trees
We’d see fewer thieves,
And we’d have a new perspective
On the growing of mint leaves.
If money grew on trees
The forests would be shining
And all the coins as foliage
Would cut back the need for mining.
If money grew on trees
Then natural selection
Would show us who new world leaders are
Before their big election.
If money grew on trees
Interest in forests would grow.
No one would buy stocks;
Their investments would really grow.
If money grew on trees
Fewer fires would start via smoker
And Casinos all would move outside
For better games of poker.
If money grew on trees
One question still remains
Which raises important fiscal concerns:
What happens when it rains?
The Daily Travesty 