If someone shows you their colon
You really ought to be hopin’
That the parentheses that follows it
Is closed rather than open. : )
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My top-three emojis on my phone
Are 🎆, ❤️, and 🤑.
I consider this proof I’m American.
Also (just to rhyme): 🐇
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Blue are the violets.
Red are the roses.
In this era of graphical innovation
Why do none of these 😀 have noses?
Filed under Poems
I watched American cartoons
All day every day.
My dad said I should read more
So now I watch anime.
Filed under Poems
If I were in the army
Instead of throwing grenades
I’d throw bottled beverages
Like juice and lemonades
And while our foes are hydrating
And their smiles reach their eyes
That’s when I’d throw my grenade.
#ElementOfSurprise
Filed under Poems
If you’re in the bathroom
And a minute passes by
You don’t even notice
That on the other side
The guy outside the bathroom
Has lived 100 years alone
In a near-death state while you
Read your email on your phone.
Filed under Poems
You deprive me of my solitude
Yet loneliness remains.
I long for you as often
As a pinecone longs for chains.
I love you like the Jewish faith
Love bread with time to leaven
And I’d describe your sense of humor
As a pH of 11.
When, alas, my eyes are on you
I feel no sense of hesitation
That the prudent course of action
Is a quick defenestration.
You’ll never feel a lacking
Of the things you never knew
And I hope that everyone you meet
Are just as great as you!
Filed under Poems
Somebody was like
“What if we wrote ‘SKJ’
“And pronounced it like ‘sh?'”
And another guy was like
“When Hell freezes over.”
And I was like
“Nor way man!”
Also hockey, socialism, and vikings.
Filed under Poems
My dad has the heart of a lion.
My mom has the heart of a gnu.
Sure, my dad has better taste
But they’re both banned for life from the zoo.
Filed under Poems
Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.
Pick a random card and write it down.
Then think of the number of letters
In the name of your favorite town…
If you subtract the number you thought of
From how often you think of French maids
You’ll find that the card you have written
Is in fact the seven of spades.
Filed under Poems
Writing lousy poems
Is really not that hard.
It doesn’t take a lot of work
To be a blogging bard.
The only bit that’s difficult
Is deciding what to write,
Thus my meta-poetry
At 10 o’clock at night.
Filed under Poems
My friend has 70 statues of legs.
I don’t know how he got ’em,
But I know if he ever spanks a statue
He’ll likely hit rock bottom.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 