When I spray the hose
I can make rainbows appear
In our living room
Tag Archives: Humor
Jesus Christ
Sure, they nailed me to a cross
And death was sort of ouchy
But that isn’t the real reason
That I’m feeling grouchy.
Instead, I’m sick of folks like you
Always shouting my name
When you stub your toe or, I don’t know,
Get mad at a video game.
Filed under Poems
Is This How Pokemon Started?
Tiger tiger, burning bright
In the zoo, so late at night.
Alas, it seems those corporate jerks
Failed to show how the extinguisher works.
Filed under Poems
Are You There God? It’s Me, Fluffles
I am a fearsome hunter
And have killed a hundred men
And yet I sleep in peace, filled with
Tranquility and zen
Because someday I hope I may
Catch some deity’s eye.
They’ll think I’m cute and house me
In their mansion in the sky,
They’ll feed me all I can consume
And rub my belly while
Saying “Who’s a good warrior?”
With a goofy voice and smile,
And let me come and go all day
Through a small transparent flap
Instead of being human
And putting up with all this crap.
Filed under Poems
The Science Of Attraction
If you say something sweet to a glacier
And it melts their icy heart
They quietly whisper, “thawwwwwww”
And that’s how global warming starts.
Filed under Poems
Buffy Is Moving To Europe
Do vampires get uncomfortable
When writing a lowercase “t”?
When they order at a restaurant
Do they request their water unholy?
Do they avoid places that eat lots of garlic
And even avoid such a smell?
Because my conclusions lead me to believe
Italy is just vampire hell.
Filed under Poems
Buffy Is Moving To Europe
Do vampires get uncomfortable
When writing the letter “t”?
When they order at a restaurant
Do they request their water unholy?
Do they avoid places that eat lots of garlic
And even avoid such a smell?
Because my conclusions lead me to believe
Italy is just vampire hell.
Filed under Poems
How Wars Start
Iran said to America, “You da bomb.”
America said, “No, you da bomb.”
And everything would have been ok
Except Israel ran and told their mom.
Filed under Poems
The Things I Do For My Wife
Today I ran a 5K race
With dribbling rain upon my face.
I paid thirty dollars to
Earn a free donut to share with you.
Now I’m soggy, tired, and sore
And I weigh at least a donut more,
But I see a smile in your eyes
And that is why I exercise.
Filed under Poems
I’ve Solved Crime!
Instead of putting folks in jail
Then releasing them later
What if we dressed criminals
So they looked like Darth Vader,
Make them wear black armor
And fill rooms with smoke
And whenever they breath
Make it sound like a choke?
That way when you’re walking
Down a poorly-lit street
You’d know if that stranger
You happened to meet
Is an innocent traveler
Who needs help with a tire
Or a half-robot mugger
Who’s also a liar.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 