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Tag Archives: Humor
The Subtle Hintings of a Partially-Loved Poet
This blog of ours has followers
That number 699.
If we can get to 700
That would be so mighty fine
‘Cause if we reach 700
Then a thousand’s pretty close
And that’s a number to be proud of
Whether it is net or gross.
And when we hit a thousand
Followers of this page
Then why not get a thousand more
And make these poems all the rage
And all the poetic hipsters
Can say “I followed it first!”
And by then we’ll have ten thousand
And I’ll be proud enough to burst.
Given time we’ll pass the thousands
And we will be one million strong
And you, follower 700
Will have been there all along.
And if you aren’t convinced yet
By this hypothetical boast
At 700 my parents will love me
And that’s what means the most.
Filed under Poems
Wealth… Of Experience
I am a man of many skills.
I write music and poetry,
I play more than five instruments
And I’m good at climbing trees.
I can recite from memory
Every episode of M.A.S.H.
One of these days I’ll learn a skill
Conducive to earning cash.
Filed under Poems
That Second Line’s Syllable Dilemna Though…
It’s 8:53.
I’m too tired to write good poems.
Damn, I’m getting old.
Filed under Poems
Then After a Twist Of Fate No One Could See Coming…
If your story’s just beginning
But your ideas have run out
There’s no need for disappointment
So you can quit your silly pout.
All the greatest stories
Lose their steam before the end
And that’s why we continue
The “something lucky happened” trend.
It’s why stormtroopers can’t hit a barn
And main characters don’t get shivved.
Executions are delayed for a monologue
And Harry’s the boy who lived.
It’s why Ringwraith’s can sense the ring
From half a world away
But not when hobbits hold it
With a tree stump in the way.
Heroes outrun explosions
While the villain merely dies.
The white hats still draw faster
Despite the sunlight in their eyes.
So if you want a writing tip
I’ll give you one to keep:
As long as sh*t works out in the end
The fans will lose no sleep.
Filed under Poems
Please Don’t Do That Unto Me… I Have Delicate Skin
If a friend is practicing
Any form of self abuse
You must act quickly!
Don’t be a fool.
Remind them that you love them
Then take away their knife or noose,
And be sure to not remind them
About the Golden Rule.
Filed under Poems
When You Gotta, But Ya Can’t
I want to address a problem
That so many men have known
But none will speak about it
Face-to-face or even by phone.
It’s the crushing fear we feel
When we’re getting prepped to pee
And someone steps beside us
And starts to take a wee.
In that dreadful moment
Within our bursting loins
The drying force of the Sahara
Erupts amidst our groins.
Whilst mere seconds beforehand
We felt the need to burst
Now we speak gently to ourselves
And pray to avoid the worst.
Dividers help avoid this plague.
Stalls are always best.
As long as bathrooms are in the news
Please heed my implied request!
Filed under Poems
After the Rave
What is orange
And six feet tall
And smells like it is dead?
This isn’t a joke.
I’m asking you
Because one is in my bed.
Filed under Poems
#LizardHaikus
Changing my colors
Is a dying form of art.
#ChameleonJokes
I don’t talk as much
Since I’m an insurance guy.
#FifteenPercentLess
I’m called a monster,
But if I had my own way
I’d be #CuteGila
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 