Some days I write a poem
That’s actually very good,
The day after which I struggle
To write something equally good
But then I rhyme a word with itself
And it goes off the rails from there
And I realize no matter what I do
It’s not going to be as good
So I relax and quit trying.
Filed under Poems
A few minutes ago
It was ten o’clock
And I yawned as I started for bed.
Now five minute later
It’s midnight
And awakeness is filling my head.
You may think I’m lying,
That physical science
Will prove that this poem’s untrue
But I beg to differ.
It’s a sterling example
Of what late-night Youtube binging can do.
Filed under Poems
Perhaps thou art a hero
Or perhaps a simply thief,
A knight in shining armor
Or a bit of comic relief?
Or maybe thou art a villain,
An evil mastermind
Who prays on innocent people
Instead of being kind?
It seems I am mistaken
About the character of your heart.
You’re just a man who laughs
At poets that say “thou art.”
Filed under Poems
Soft doggy, warm doggy,
You I do implore:
Happy doggy, sleepy doggy,
Please don’t poop at midnight right outside my bedroom door.
Again.
Filed under Poems
I may not be Annie Oakley
But you’ve never seen a fellow
Hit the broad side of a barn
Like I can do!
I may not be a doctor
But when a friend turns yellow
No one can say “there there”
Like I’ve learned to!
I’m not a jack of any trade.
Perhaps that’s why I’ve got it made.
I’m a wizard who can’t even cast a spell!
But that stuff is overrated,
Sloth underappreciated.
Yes, being mediocre’s pretty swell!
I haven’t learned a trade,
Nor the sciences or arts,
But I can sit around
Like no one’s business!
And when you see me doing
Nothing that requires smarts, you’ll ask
The fellow next to you
“Who on earth is this?”
I’m a man with no profession,
Absent when class is in session
Because I’m born unable to work well.
But that won’t dampen my mood
‘Cause my life’s still pretty good.
Yes, being mediocre’s pretty swell!
So if you’re not a Grant or Lincoln
There’s no need for you to feel
As though your greatest dreams
Will not come true!
Your dream of happy lounging’s
Achievable through clever scroungings
And if I can do it, surely
So can you!
I’m no poet but I rhyme!
You’ve a quarter, I’ve a dime!
I’ve no fear at all of being damned to Hell
‘Cause they’ll never let me in.
If you do nothing, you can’t sin.
Posthumous mediocrity is swell!
Yes being mediocre’s pretty swell!
The folks who say #AllLivesMatter
Are undisputedly wrong,
And apparently have not met
Joffrey Baratheon.
Filed under Poems
Might a very good dentist
Be given a plaque
And to avoid getting fired
Have to give it back?
This evening I find
My mind is so blank
That’s my most poignant thought.
For your patience I thank.
Filed under Poems
Korea is a country
I do not know much about.
Japan is a country
Whose cartoon characters look caucasian.
Thailand is a country
That knows what cooking’s all about.
Good China is a country
We only use on special occasions.
Filed under Poems
People complain frequently
Because something’s always bad.
If nothing’s bad at present
They remember something sad.
Alas, complainers never lack
Sources of inspiration:
If shit didn’t happen every day
They’d complain of constipation.
Filed under Poems
When I look at you
I see the stars in your eyes,
Round and full of love
And the same blue as the sky’s.
I see your lips, so ruby red
That whisper sweet lies
And I know you’re the only one.
Your hair is like a waterfall
Caressing my cheek.
The joy I feel around you
Makes my eyes spring a leak.
If I could only find the words
I know that I’d speak
To tell you you’re the only one.
You’re the only one
Who brings color to my world,
Who’s cooler than the winter
And more lovely than the fall.
The only one so beautiful
I cannot believe
That I feel no attraction at all.
You have an angel’s heart
And a siren’s sweet voice.
My apathy towards you
Cannot be by choice.
Maybe it has to do
With how you say “nice” as “noice.”
Whatever reason, you’re the only one.
You might just be an angel
Spreading joy to the land
The light of the world flowing
From the palm of your hand.
In spite of your perfection
You simply must understand
That you’re literally the only one.
The only one that leaves me
Feeling dry in my pants,
Uninspired to sing
And unwilling to dance.
You’re like an inconsistent meter
From one stanza to the next,
Which perhaps is why, from me,
You always will go un-sexed.
You’re the only one
To walk across a fire for me.
You’re maybe my only true love,
Destined for all time is you and me.
And so as this song/poem
Finds itself so near it’s end
Know that literally everyone turns me on
But you’re the only “just a friend.”
