The creators of “My Little Pony”
Have created a product for boys.
It’s fire truck red with side-mounted guns
And seventeen makers of noise.
The company calls it “My Big-ass Horse.”
In thirty-eight countries it’s banned,
Including America, which is why
I’m moving away to Japan.
Filed under Poems
The jolly roger flails
In the stormy winter breeze
Above a deck of scalawags
Afloat upon the seas.
The crew is cruel and vile,
Culled from horrors of the night,
Which would be very normal
If their captain weren’t polite.
He’ll pull aside a merchant ship.
His cannons towards it swivel.
He shouts, “Please share your vittles
“So we may all be civil.”
Perhaps his victims do suspect
He’s playing with their minds,
But his motto is “Just be yourself
“And the looting works out fine.”
Filed under Poems
One walks along the city streets,
Just trying to get some air,
Yet one can’t help but notice
All the girls who stop and stare.
One experiences this often.
If somewhere one does go
One’s glamor, wit, and glowing health
Make one a living show.
One wishes one could take a break
From being the perfect man,
So I guess I’m pretty lucky
That I’m not one, and I can.
Filed under Poems
As a kid, when I slept
And shut my eyes
After a long day of play
I did never surmise
That my play for the day
Would be my demise.
I remember the first
Of those nights of odd sort.
I slept on the floor, for
My sleep was cut short
When my bedding escaped
To the pillow fort.
I prepared to lay siege
To my fortified sheets.
I grabbed my nerf guns
And a few cans of beets.
I’ll have quite a mess
When my mission completes…
Filed under Poems
Granite eyes and iron shoulders
And biceps built by crushing boulders.
He’s head to toe a man of steel
And he’s going to make you an exclusive deal!
For the modest price of fifty D’s
You can have the world fall on their knees
To worship and serve you as you please.
Let’s hear it for online pharmacies!
Filed under Poems
Yesterday we witnessed
The biggest day of sports,
Which makes all the cups and series
Completely out of sorts.
It had been hyped for months
By that unbiased ad
Run by one guy, who says the other
Is really, really bad.
In yesterday’s match, two teams
Faced off to see just who
Got the pleasure of controlling
Their State, Country, and You.
The elephants and donkeys
Kicked and spat and grrred
And threw mud at each other
As if mud were an angry bird.
And then the fans arrived
To dance around the polls
While others searched on Google
For nearby grassy knolls.
The match begins! The ballots flow!
Single lines are drawn!
Proposed measures are considered!
The game continues on.
And at the end both teams will claim
That it is they who won the game.
Then it’s done; That’s all she wrote.
Aren’t you glad you got to vote?
I own a celebrity gun range
Just minutes from D.C.
It’s a place for visiting stars to come
Shoot a gun or a movie.
So if you’re in the city
And you want to kill someone
Just come down to the Shooting Star
And shoot like you’re someone!
Filed under Poems
First Monday of November:
The very special day
When thousands of aspiring writers
Throw NaNoWriMo dreams away.
Filed under Poems
Home is where the heart is,
So the saying goes.
It’s a saying that was the cause
Of all my earthly woes.
Then I met some zombies,
And they were pretty slick
‘Cause they made my home
Inside of their stomach.
So I was on vacation
For the first time ever,
Although looking back, my “life”
Wasn’t part of the endeavor.
It took guts to free myself,
And I’d love to share the wealth.
Please tell me your address,
Because undeath’s good for your health.
Filed under Poems
Today’s November first,
Which is National Candy Day.
You celebrate it by getting sick
And throwing your diet away.
You’ve tasted the rainbow plenty,
And if your pee isn’t purple yet
You can drive down to the grocer
For surplus, cheap as shet.
Today you do not feel guilt.
Just ignore the nausea,
Because capitalism depends on you
And post-costume nostalgia.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
