Tag Archives: Humor

The Funny Bone (Danger: Puns)

It was the annual pickup game

At the Summer Camp for bones,

And the kids paid rapt attention

To a spine named Mr. Jones.

 

“I’d like to introduce you,”

They heard Mr. Jones declare,

“To a new bone.  His name’s humerus.”

Applause caressed the air.

 

“So are you funny?” Ulna asked,

Always one for the obvious question.

Humerus told the only joke he knew

About a small intestine.

 

Radius laughed politely

But the jawbone din’t move,

And the ribs agreed that joking

Did not his personality behoove.

 

And so the game began,

And balls were thrown and kicked,

And when it came to choosing teams

Humerus was the last bone to be picked.

 

It turned out that poor Humerus

Came off as much too smarmy,

So he hired some local muscle

And left to join the army.

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Orange is the Old Black

It’s hard to write a poem

About the color orange

Without the introduction

Of the convenient rhyme of “door hinge.”

 

But orange is not a color

So much as a happy time

When it shines with gold as a sunset

Over fields of orange and lime.

 

Orange is every childhood

When you bought the collared shirt

In a pumpkin shade with a purple sweater

As you rolled amidst the dirt.

 

But as you ran between the Autumn trees

With the citrus sun burning your feet

And your fashion clashing, you realized

Being a kid is pretty neat.

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Prophecy, Inc.

Sometime after the time of stress

When the world seems like a mess

An average person will appear

To speak of things the world will hear.

He or she will sound to some

Quite well informed; to others, dumb.

Thus are the words of Earth and Sky.

That’ll be $50. Thanks, buh-bye.

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If you say “I’d save it,” you’re lying.

If I had a million bucks

I might buy a million ducks

Who would have a million ducklings

And I could watch them grow.

 

If I had a million bucks

I’d load them in a million trucks

And bring them around the country

To find their perfect doe.

 

If I had a million bucks

I’d wear a pair of diamond chucks

And a platinum pillow

For when I need to snore.

 

If I had a million bucks

In cash or deer or even ducks

I wouldn’t spend it prudently.

Perhaps that’s why I’m poor.

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The Fisherman’s Dilemna

They say I’m a workaholic

‘Cause I spend twelve hours a day

Away from Mabbs (my wife) and kids.

It’s the commercial fishing way.

 

Truth is, work gives me joy

That I just don’t get from Mabbs.

At work I catch the lobsters,

But with her I catch the crabs.

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I Try To Be Social

If I had a pet penguin
I’d be a cooler guy,
‘Cause nothing impresses people
Like a bird that doesn’t fly.

I know this as a fact,
Having garnered my first clue
When my neighbor had a party
After buying an emu.

So I went into the pet store,
But no penguin could be found.
I couldn’t even find one
In the wild or the pound.

That’s why I bought this parrot
Who says such funny things.
It’s not flightless, but hey,
At my party I’ll serve wings.

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It Was So Amazing Though!

I’m not the kind to kiss and tell,
Which is why this poem is short.

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Conversion Tactics

I was visited last afternoon
By friendly Mr. Levin
Who stopped by, presumably,
To get me into Heaven.

He handed me a pamphlet
About discovering Jehovah,
But being an ad exec myself
It didn’t win me ovah.

So I came up with a new campaign
For the door-to-door believers
To double their conversion rate
And make them high achievers:

They could give out bottles of water
In tribute to the divine,
But if you come to hear a sermon
You can trade for a bottle of wine.

They could host some seminars
On days when it is raining
Giving a new-agey mix
Of spiritual sales training.

If you want to walk on water
A witness has a deal for you:
Free water skiing lessons
If you’ll sing hallelu’.

By now you will have realized
I didn’t read their stuff,
But I tried to help as best I could.
I hope that was enough.

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The Mail Perspective

Few things are better
Than getting a letter
The good old fashioned way.
That envelope’s feel
Just fills me with zeal
And I start to dance and sway.

‘Tis a unique caper,
The feel of the paper
And ink beneath my fingers
And when the mail is gone,
My heart will go on.
My jollity forever lingers.

So when I opened your note
In which you wrote
That my electricity bill wasn’t paid
I did not understand,
For I felt very grand.
My life felt like I had it made!

Now reading my crap
From Kohl’s and the Gap
In the candlelight out on the street
I realize life,
Past the bills and the strife,
Can turn out pretty darn neat.

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National Defense

“Protect and serve the innocent”
Was what the poster said,
And it’s what I thought I’d do
When I became a fed.
I got to work the first day
In my black, designer suit.
I said “I’m here to serve and protect.”
My boss just said “That’s cute.”

He showed me to my office
In the middle of the floor
Where two monitors awaited
And I knew what was in store.
I became well acquainted
With a Mrs. Sally Strom
And the doodads that she purchased
On Amazon.com

They say your moral compass
Will sway from truth and light
Through prolonged exposure
To things that aren’t right,
But I have to disagree
With the ever-present “they”
Because tons of people do this
And it doesn’t wreck their day.

Protect and serve the innocent:
It sure sounds nice to me
And makes me feel righteous
About the innocent stuff I see.

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