Sometimes you park your car
Just when a song starts playing
And you sing along, now knowing
That your plans are worth delaying.
For some folks it’s the Beatles,
And for some the Rolling Stones.
For me it’s Wagner’s Ring Cycle
Which is why I’m a pile of bones.
Filed under Poems
“Hey Mr. Producer Guy,
I’ve got a game idea
Where two people survive the apocalypse.”
“Sure, Mr. designer guy,
But instead of death and zombies
Make the focus on blooming relationships.”
“Great idea, but what if
Instead of playing through the game
Players watched long, scripted movies of themselves?”
“And what about having
Unskippable gay sex missions?
It’ll fly right off the shelves!”
Filed under Poems
Geppetto saw the puppet
Come alive one fateful night.
He hardly could contain his pure
Excitement and delight.
He asked, “What is your power?”
To which the toy replied,
“My nose grows when I’m truthful
“And I’ve never, ever lied.”
Geppetto took the puppet
On a tour of the land
And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”
To all the coarse and bland.
“A gift to puppetmakers
“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”
And so, in awe, they watched the nose
And drank unto his health.
And as the ugly stayed the same,
The poor stayed destitute,
The puppet stayed beloved,
For his word was absolute.
This lesson serves to illustrate
Wherefore in every hour
We ought not correlate the truth
With presence of a power.
Filed under Poems
A book came in the mail for me!
I wrote it and it came!
If you act quickly then you can
Experience the same!
It’s yours to buy on Amazon
(Or elsewhere if you’re odd):
It’s cheaper than an ounce of gold
And funnier than God!
Neutral background made of the author’s sweatpants not included…
Filed under Poems
Today I am sleepy.
Tomorrow I’m somnolent.
Many already realized
This poem won’t rhyme.
Filed under Poems
The air was full of mosquitoes
And someone gave me a spray:
“It’s called mosquito repellant
“And it keeps the bugs away.”
I put it on my body
And away went all my cares.
Now I’m going to try the spray
For repelling the bears!
Filed under Poems
Five minutes ago I published
Twelve lines of verse about
Proper ways to socialize
For those who had a doubt.
Sometimes when I do publish
Things of that ilk I see
That someone gets offended
But this time it was me.
I read my writing quickly,
The slowly read again,
Appalled by what I’d written
With my figurative pen.
I got so mad I punched myself
Then sued myself. Outrageous!
Stay six feet away from yourself;
Stupidity’s contagious!
Filed under Poems
If you say “Hi”
And get no reply
It could be no one heard you.
If you say “Hi”
And they say “Die”
It’s likely they’ve abjured you.
If you say “Hi”
And they ask “Why?”
Then now’s your time to talk,
And if, to “Hi”
They only sigh
Perhaps you’d better walk.
Filed under Poems
Moreso than drugs or heart disease,
Moreso than any tumor,
Most tragedies in life are caused
By lacking a sense of humor.
Filed under Poems
Margaret died and stood by God
And looked on all there was:
An ageless, endless universe
With countless lives abuzz,
Singing songs that never stop
In perfect harmony
And Margaret said, “They must be sad
“To be there without me!”
Filed under Poems
