So you’re telling me your business
Uses AI to write reviews
To improve my website traffic
And increase my daily views?
Then you show your website
And your 4.9 on Yelp
And expect me to believe you?
No, I do not need your help.
Tag Archives: Marketing
Crossfit
There once was a marketing guy
Who was looking for what you should buy.
There was a gym with some rope
And he said “It’d be dope
“If we whip those around. Don’t ask why.”
Filed under Poems
Marketing, Baby!
Women buy all kinds of scented candles
With scents like Carmel Apple and Sandalwood.
These candles smell like what the label tells you
And that kind of clarity is good.
The reason men don’t buy more scented candles
Is because the candles don’t have scents for a guy
Like “Cool Sports Rush”, “Hang Ten”, or “Anaconda”
Which are the smells we men have proved we’ll buy.
Filed under Poems
Now THIS Is A Social Movement I Can Get Behind
If we all just agreed not to buy
What we see on TV for a year
We could put advertising behind us
And forever be ad-free and clear
Filed under Poems
What? You’re Not Immediately Buying My Books? I Guess The Stock Music And Multiracial Couples From The TV Do Something After All…
There once was a guy and his dog
And they read limericks on a blog.
Now he’s married to a hotty
And he drives a bugatti
And he owns a sweet mansion in Prague.
Filed under Poems
Apparently “Cosby-Cola” Is Not An Appropriate Suggestion
Our market research team said
Flavors that combine two fruity flavors
Like “strawberry-kiwi” and “lemon-lime”
Are massive money savers.
They asked us all to pick a pair
Of fruity tastes to try.
I suggested “date-grape”
And now I’m fired. They won’t say why…
Filed under Poems
Hygiene Standards
I walked down the rows
Of “Bed, Bath, and Beyond“
Smelling hand soaps with names
Like “Starlight” and “Palm Frond”.
Then I left to go back
To “Bob’s Soap Retailer”
Where they sell soap called “White”
And “Hope She Lets You Impale ‘Er”.
Filed under Poems
Or We Could Just Choose An Animal And Interrupt Your Football Game…
Back when Youtube first began
A bunch of kids created
Videos so funny that
Folks nearly suffocated.
Now, insurance companies
Pay grown-ups lots of money
To make commercial messages
Which somehow still aren’t funny.
If you want to sell me
Some insurance or the like
You should fire your writing staff
And hire some kid named Mike
‘Cause when I see an ad that says
“We’re expensive, we won’t lie
“But we’re not just corporate assholes”
That’s the moment that I’ll buy!
Filed under Poems
Instead Of Going Back In Time To Kill Hitler, Consider This Guy
“What if, instead of selling stuff
To people who will buy it
We interrupt TV and stuff
To talk about a diet,
A tv show, a sugar drink,
A car, or car insurance?
That should make folks love us,
Or at least that’s my inference!”
Filed under Poems
But No! The Advertisers HAD To Lie To You…
I think the greatest opportunity
Anyone ever missed
Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”
Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 