It started with the big floppy disc
Then they made a smaller floppy.
CDs came, then thumb drives,
And now we have the micro-SD.
I guess we can be grateful
That our storage is getting firm
But the reduction in storage size
Is making my male brain squirm…
Filed under Poems
I’m a freakin’ space marine!
Half man, half god, half war machine!
I wipe out armies with my fists!
And turn alien brains into alien mists!
I’ve saved every planet from certain death!
When women see me they gasp for breath!
I’m a freakin’ space marine, you know!
What mom? Ooh, pizza? Gotta go!
Filed under Poems
I entered an area
Where hard hats were required.
Now I need to find a hot female hat
Or I just might get fired.
Filed under Poems
I’m basically a werewolf
But instead of being transformy
When the full moon rises
I get very horny.
The other difference
Between a werewolf and my ways
Is that I’m also were-horny
The other 28 days.
Filed under Poems
In halcyon hours, my maiden and me
Become one with each other until
Through effort and grace we lie face to face
As nature concludeth its will.
Then I am afflicted with such a condition
Where my brain is in tune with my bowels
And for hours after I know only laughter
And I can speak only in vowels.
Or to put it another way…
Iayohouyaieae
Eoeoeieaoeui
Oueoaaeeieaeoae
Aaueoueii.
EIaaieiuaoiio
Weeyaiiiueiyowe
AohouaeIooyaue
AIaeaoyiowe.
Filed under Poems
I am the type of person
Who will see the pearly gates
And confess all my discretions
Where redemption thus awaits
Until forward steps St. Peter
And unto me he does declare
“I am Peter”, and I giggle
And am promptly sent “down there”.
Filed under Poems
No amount of flattery
Can restore an empty battery
But a little flirting can
Reenergize almost any man.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes a banana is just a banana
And a tree is just a big, stiff, and girthy
And if you don’t know how torpedos fit in
Then your mind has yet to become worthy.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes you go to the bathroom
To just get away from it all
Or sometimes you make a poop
That’s the color of Darth Maul.
They both take about the same time
To finish, which is alright.
I did one while writing this poem
So you’re welcome. Now good night.
Filed under Poems
I could pay money every month
To have access to a gym
Where I lift heavy objects
To feel pain within my limb
And when the lifting’s over
I can climb or bike or run
On a machine that makes it possible
To never feel done
Then I can take my clothes off
In a public locker room
And eat vegetables for breakfast…
Or I can stay home and play Doom.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 