Tag Archives: Men

July 7, 2023 · 6:48 am

My First Sponsor!

Dear readers, it gives me great Pride(tm) that my blog, a long-time proponent of mediocrity in all forms, has chosen to partner with America’s favorite soft drink:

PIDD!

PIDD! (or Performance Inhibiting Drug Drink) has been taking the world by storm (consensually, of course). Inspired by brands like Disney, Bud Light, and OceanGate, PIDD! is sinking its teeth into all the things that once made you happy like:

The NBA (Nubile Boys of America)

MMA (Male Maidens Association)

UPS (Un-Penissing Service)

UN (United Nations)

And many more!

PIDD! is the only soft drink that makes you softer in both body and mind. It helped Lia Thomas become the first man to win the NCAA women’s 500m freestyle, helped Caitlyn Jenner become Glamour Magazine’s first male Woman of the Year, and now it can help your children become anything we want them to be!

So just like Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, James Bond, and the other heroes of your childhood, crack open a can of PIDD! (or pour a lukewarm glass of inner-city tap water) and let’s toast a future where men don’t have to stay that way.

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June 18, 2023 · 9:13 pm

Father’s Day

Happy day to all the dads

Who once were childless as lads

And then got up to laddish things

‘Til onto Earth a baby springs.

Then they spend their waking hours

Changing diapers, buying flowers,

Playing dolls or playing truck

Depending on genetic luck.

As they age, the hair up here

Says “Nope, now I’ll grow out your ear.”

He buys cars for his offspring who

Repay him with a new tie. Whoo!

These things and more, both good and bad

Are part of what makes man a dad

But it is love, not merely fate,

That makes a dad we celebrate.

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June 14, 2023 · 6:25 pm

Ladies, Learn To Reboot A Router

If your husband is pooping

And taking his time

So that hours have passed

And the scent is a crime

There’s no need to bother

With a knock or a shout;

His business will finish

When the Wifi goes out.

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May 18, 2023 · 7:33 pm

How To Be Popular

If I had breath like Godzilla

And my sneeze were a nuclear blast

I still wouldn’t like playing kickball

But at least I’d get picked before last.

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April 28, 2023 · 9:32 pm

Let’s Go Avs!

My girl said “[Name]

“You can watch the game.”

Now I’m watching men skate

And good poems can wait.

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April 27, 2023 · 7:01 pm

‘Merica Loves The Draft

Today’s the day that giant men

Who some describe as “ballers”

Get called by teams of athletes

To play games for millions of dollars

And older guys who used to play

And that one blonde chick enumerate

The reason why that particular guy

Will make their newfound team great.

Meanwhile, men who’re five-foot-two

But also weigh 300 pounds

Sit in bars and pound their chests

And buy each other rounds.

And somehow through the fog

Of testosterone and concealed erections

This moment matters more to most

Than national elections.

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March 6, 2023 · 7:49 pm

A Boy Becomes A Man (Mouse Saga Pt. 2)

Snap crackle pop

Is the sound you hear

When you pour rice crispies

And have some fun.

Snap crackle pop

May also appear

When the mouse trap makes

Your husbandly duties done.

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February 19, 2023 · 6:37 pm

Cologne Options

Fresh cut french fries,

Lavender breeze,

Dusty sweat after a ballgame,

The salt of the seas,

Lime, peaches, and sunflowers,

Grandma’s garlic spaghetti:

Yet you decided to spritz on

“Testosterone Yeti.”

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February 17, 2023 · 6:41 pm

Birth, Youth, Life, Dying, Hell

To buy a shiny dump truck toy;

The dream of every little boy.

A loud and topless red machine;

The dream of every male teen.

A pickup and a minivan;

A father, yes, but still a man.

A growling beaut older than he;

A man who can no longer see.

An environmentally friendly car;

Wait, f*** that s***! You’ve gone too far!

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January 20, 2023 · 10:03 pm

My Fiancee Made Me Watch A Barbie Movie

There once was a prince named Stefon

Who met a fantabulous blon

De girl with long hair

And there was love everywhere

And oh god, please rescue me! I’ve made a terrible mistake! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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